hi... I'M BACK..
after a rather long yet hollow pre and post new year break.. i'm here again..
this site is still under construction, i'm currently working on it. i took the skin from blogskins.com, it's a pretty cool site, actually.
anyway... thoughts were helplessly bursting and erupting out of my head since quite sometimes... kinda miss the old melodramatic rants used to be poured down here.. but before that i have to work on with the lay out first.. so.. well..

see ya soon.
-sie-

and i am here

alright so i'm here again dear baby dear, it's like you know that i wont go for long. my entries these days, dear baby dear, are so boring with sentimental shites, it's like fully loaded with a total nothingness of my overflowing melodramatic emotion. how can i help it dear baby dear, i'm lost, and i've cursed myself for that.
look, maybe i should've talked about something else, the sky, the moon, the wrecked wrecked souls, the hatred that people declared everywhere around, the confusion, and all that. but look what i'm doing here dear baby dear, i'm standing here alone blabbering myself. even worse, it's myself in such an abstract and absurd sense. o how selfish. absurdity never worked dear baby dear, waiting for people to comprehend your soul. might as well wait forever. you understand forever, dear baby dear?
and i am lost and i am flying and i am winding and i am pretending and i am insencere and i am knowing and i am jaded and i am pretending and i am pretending and i am pretending and i am not knowing and i am insencere and i am black black black black bloody pitch black with no light at all and i am drown and i am sucked and i am lost lost lost.

blablablablablablab
and i am here. blabbering myself.
maybe one day i'll leave but i dont even know for how long then.

-sie

walkwalkwalkwalkandwalk

i'm leaving.

-sie

*image was taken from http://www.painetworks.com

floating

hidup itu, adalah kutub-kutub titik ekstrim yang mengerikan. you, my dear, and me too... are walking in the long bold line made by thousands and thousands dots of freaky and unpredictable fringe of emotion. haunting. enchanting. overwhelming. destroying.
the journey, my dear, is really never that secure, although most of us do feel that it is. covered and tangled in those overwhelming joy we feel when we coincidentally and unintentionally step on the dots of elated emotion. happiness. bliss. elation.
when we step on happiness we forget that somewhere there, are dots that waiting for us to step on them. the dots of sadness, despair, devastation, hurt, broken, damaged. they are there and waiting for us, for they too are the parts of the dots that composed the bold lines.
when i make you happy, the journey would bring you the time when i would make you sad.
when you feel blissful, you shall wait until the journey bring you despair, and devastation and dreary...

if only i could float, walking along in the air, completing my journey, without the tip of my toes touching all the dots.
but then again, could it make me feel you?

-sie-

fractured

the thing is... dear baby dear... i know that i am fractured.
and i am wounded.
and i am hurt.
but i feel too stupid
to cry.

in your shoulder, especially.

cry.
cry.
cry.
cry.
cry.

there you go, baby.
i'm done with my cry
now i could go back to see you
and smile.

-sie-

image was taken from http://fabi.blogs.sapo.pt/

the sugar-sweet bitch

because people always thought of me as 'sugar-sweet', they thought that i could tolerate everything. the thing is, of course i cant. i could be upset too. and when i am, i could be such a depressive bitch.
i havent talked to my bestfriend for almost five days now. i kinda miss her. but she's the one who started it. call me oversensitive, call me childish, but i'm just being the 'could-not-be-that-tolerant-about-every-single-fucking-thing-thrown-at-my-face' me.

-sie-

*image was taken from www.istockphoto.com

Girl Talk

“This mattress is getting harder and harder than ever, don’t you think?”
She nodded her head, stretched and yawned. “I’m tired.” She said. “I think we should get a new mattress.”
“That would cost a bit.”
“You’re right.” Then she dragged her book from the side of the mattress and started reading.
“I thought the exam week had over.”
“Me too, that’s why I really wish I could burn the campus, or at least chop my lecture’s head.”
She said that in a flat, monotonous tone. I laughed.
“How’s that guy? Did he call you?”
“Nope. I didn’t expect him to call me anyway.”
“Not at all?”
“Well… once, the next day after we did it. He called me to say he’s sorry.”
“Sorry? For what?”
“He thought I was having a problem that bothers my mind. He didn’t want me to think that he’s well… sort of using the chance.” She sneered, in a rather absurd solemn sneer.
“Was that the case?”
“Well it’s true that I was a bit upset that day… but…”
“But I’m sure that it was you…”
I looked at her eyes, she looked at me back.
“Yes… it was me who’s using him.”
We giggled, just like teenage girls who giggle in their private pajamas party, only it was in a slightly different case. She threw a cryptic smile then took a cigarette from her ciggie box and lit it.
“I was the one who seduced him, you know?”
“Oh I can tell.”
“Yes. And look how he felt guilty about it. He didn’t even know that I was the one who’s using him.”
“Is it working?”
“What?”
“I mean… you used him for some purposes, didn’t you?”
“Yes… I wanted to forget my problem a bit with that as**ole bastard.”
“Is it working? Did it make you forget your problem with that other guy?”
“No. But I felt a bit happier.”
“Happier compared to before you did it?”
“Sort of.”
“Oh alright ... as long as you’re happy.”
Then the cryptic smile was put upon her eyes once more. I looked at her and tried to throw some of my stupid jokes. She puffed her cigarette and begun to read her book again.

-sie-

Ding-Dong!

I gain weight
My cheeks are chubbier and my bum’s getting bigger
And bigger and bigger than ever
I think my eyes are bigger too
They are free and they see whatever they want to see
And since they can see whatever they want to see,
I can feel they are widening and widening more than ever
So they can capture everything by a single glance
I do think that they enjoy themselves too
These feet and these hands
They are merrier than ever
Feet are free running like crazy
And hands claps themselves every occasionally
No strain and no chain
Wherever they want to go
They know that they can
The teeth and the tongue, and the lips too
Crooning and chanting, prattling and laughing
And oh one more thing
The heart is growing too
It grows bigger and bigger
Warmer and warmer
Ding-dong!
Happy birthday to you,
I hope yours are growing too

-sie-

umm... the 22nd November guy, this is an early birthday poem for you...

Azura

Azura, beautiful blue sky
Cloudless and bright
Beaming and might
Upon a meadow covered by poppies
I lied flat on its lime green grass
Drawing a picture
With my crayons
Puffy and curvy
Of a thick big black
Really black cloud
And thousands and thousands black bold lines
Really bold lines below the cloud that I drew
They were supposed to be a drawing of raindrops
Of a heavy rain
A very very heavy rain
A very very heavy one

-sie-
For sitting on my brain twenty four seven really you should blame yourself

Orange, orange pond...

So the pond is orange
Suspiciously bright orange
There are also some strange dark blue waterlilies
Lying flat on its orangish water surface
You will never ever let yourself spread a red-plaided tablecloth
Upon its bizarrely pale lemony grass
Déjeuner sur l'herbe
Having a picnic lunch under the sun
Never while everything is too suspicious
Wrong and dubious
But the pond was always orange
The waterlilies were always dark blue
The grass was always pale lemony
They were happy that way
Maybe it was not meant
For your delusory
Red-plaided tablecloth

-sie-

Small Clover

Beautifully overshadowed
Under a big big oak tree
Where the gentle of breeze blows so mildly
Through its rich leaves
Beautifully overshadowed
Comfortable and serene
But sometimes it’s just too dark

-sie-

Smile baby smile

Smile baby smile
Supercandy, megalotoffee, my dear bubblymints
I will still call you with a thousand sweet names
No matter how apocalyptic you are
And when you are tired of the rage and frenzy
Or that pandemonium you always love to unleash
When you are mad of the world
And all its habitants seem all equally tiring
Remember that you can always come to see
My little ladybug that no one else could see
Jig and bop, skip and hop
Then we can sit and drink some coffee
Talk and talk and talk and talk
Or just sleep under the blanket and hug and hug and hug
Then I’ll smile while adoring the stars in the sky tonight
And you’ll say I’m ridiculous as usual
Because of course there is no star in our sky to sight
But who cares baby who cares, you know I don’t
Then we’ll kissed until tomorrow comes
To fly you away from me
And when that time comes,
I’ll whisper ‘see you again sweet’ to you
Though you’ll be too rushed to hear me again
Again baby again I know
But never mind I’ll just flutter my wings and
Smile baby smile

-sie-

The inconsequential petty me

Dear baby dear,
It’s not about the chocolate you have not given me
It’s not about the blueberry cheesecake
It’s not about the strawberries
You know I don’t care about those things
It’s really not about that
It’s just that
Don’t say ‘whatever’ every time you forget your promise
It makes me feel like the inconsequential petty sisie
And I don’t like that

-sie-

bitter pit on an apple

in-fucking-deed. pms shites and i'm hating everyone right now. well today i just had a tarot reading and it said that i kind of miss my merry-go-lucky self. maybe i do. maybe i dont. who gives a fucking shit anyway. he doesn't.
he doesn't.
i just opened some lovey doey sites and friendster accounts of my friends'. it's so depressive. i want to shoot my head.
ah. sisie... maybe it's just because you envy them.
do i?
i dont know.
maybe i do. maybe i dont. who gives a fucking shit anyway? he doesn't.
or maybe you're just too proud to admit that you do.
yea... yea... who gives a fuck?
-sie-

*picture is taken from http://jcv.toykeeper.net

Ramadan

Happy Ramadan

May you find your God

in a literal mean

-sie-

I mean.. I asked people the reason behind the act of fasting they always do during ramadan... very sincerely... because I really wanted to know and i felt so uncomfortable doing something just for the fuck of it and not knowing the core reason behind it... I mean... i truly wanted to do it if i think it has a right and useful means. But nobody came up with a very satisfying and convincing answer, it's rather sad, actually. I remember even there's someone who called me 'kafir' -although uttered jokingky- and there's also another one who said that i only wanted to find excuses for not fasting. Hell, all i wanted was just a convincing answer, so i could do the so called 'ibadah' with my heart instead of because everybody else's doing it. Once i decided to gamble, just tried to do it and MAYBE, just maybe, i might find the core reason why this so called 'ibadah' was created. I mean... i truly believe that something that was created must have been created with purpose, and in order to achieve the purpose, we have to know and understand it by heart. So, I found no satisfying answer from anybody, i decided to seek the answer by myself, by trying to do the fasting. But Ruli said that doing something without knowing the reason you're doing it is just like wanting to know if A nuclear bomb might kill thousands of people by trying on it. I came to agree with him. It's unwise to do something without knowing the real purpose of it. So i'm still searching... And you people, who decided to go ahead fasting without knowing why, may you also find what you're looking for...

image was taken from http://jcv.toykeeper.net

A Faint Sound in the Dead of the Night

One thirty a. m. in the morning, I was still awake, couldn’t seem to find a way to close my eyes and catch some Zz. Roald Dahl page 258, I had been reading, or to be exact; gazing, the very same page for the last a half an hour. Definitely I would not be able to go to the next page, because no words seemed to make any sense for my head that night. I was tired, really tired. A splitting neuralgia, it’s killing me. My two roommates were sleeping, and the night was so hushed.
Pretty soon, I knew, in an hour or so, the mosque’s speaker near my cramped rented cubicle would utter the distinct sounds of the Koran verses, a call for the people to Sahur.
I remembered that I had a class on eight thirty in the morning and it made me nearly puke. I had only an hour left to force myself to go to sleep before the Sahur time came, after that people would wake up and rushed for their Sahur, boys would cheer and shout during their ways to the Mosque. It’s going to be really noisy, no question it would be hopeless for me to even try to sleep.
It’s a despondent situation, indeed. I could almost predict what would exactly was going to happen. I would definitely end up sleeping at five, and then could not be able to wake up for my morning class. I would wake up cursing because I missed the class once again and would start wondering how many quota for absences I had left before I finally guaranteed failed for the class. Typical. I started blaming myself for my disorganized schedule and ruined biological clock.
Sometimes I wonder if I would definitely end up feeling like a total loser. Because it’s starting now. Everything’s ruined, everything’s not in the right place. The chronicle of the wasted time. I felt pathetic and the dead of night worsen the frustration. I felt terribly alone and foolish.
Suddenly, a faint sound of a bicycle bell interrupted the silence. It’s started indistinctly and it grew more and more distinct as the bicycle got closer and closer to my rented cubicle. I recognized that sound. It was the sound of the siomai seller’s bicycle. I knew it because everyday he passes my place selling the siomai using that sound as a signal. And as the bicycle went closer, I could hear his faint voice constantly murmuring the word siomai. There’s something terribly gloomy about his voice.
I looked at the clock, it’s almost two now and he’s still out in the street, selling siomai? Who’s going to buy? Everybody else must be sleeping tightly at that time. I remembered that the rain was heavily falling two hours ago. It had stopped, but I could guarantee that the air must be really chilling out there. I felt really sorry for him. He’s all alone out there cycling around selling his siomai. In an hour people would have their Sahur, I doubted that they would prefer to have siomai instead of heavy food. So what were you doing there siomai seller? Why weren’t you home with your wife and kids? Why weren’t you sleep and waited for your wife to wake you up to eat your Sahur?
I remembered that life has been fucked up really hard recently. I mean, of course everybody knows that the government had raised the price for oil and it had made other prices insanely high too. I had to be extra careful using money sent by my mother or else I would not be able to support my own life for the rest of the month. For instance, since the cost for an ojek ride from stasiun UI to Sastra had become 3000 rupiahs, I prefer walking even if I had already late for my class. I mean, with 3000 rupiahs I could buy food for my lunch or at least a half an hour at the warnet. So as a result, I definitely use the ojek service less often these days. Same thing also happen with food, if usually I could get pretty lose spending my money for food, like buying chocolates or stopping every single food sellers that passes in front of my house, just for the sake of the chewing and nibbling fixation, lord mercy, I began to be a bit strict about my food. I took heavy meal and no longer bought food from the sellers that pass in front of my house, because I realized that it would be a form of wasting money.
I’m sure that a lot of people also do the kind of things that I do. A form of adjustment. a cost-cut for something that is not so necessary. We have to do that to cope with the insane prices and the stagnant income.
But what about the people whose life is highly depend on my cost-cut? The tukang ojek, for instance, or the food sellers. When I, and many other people too, decided to stop buying their goods, it would definitely mean a shrinking earnings for them. Meanwhile, they also have to deal with the high prices of living as anyone of us. Can you imagine that? How fucked up life can be?
Maybe that’s why the siomai seller still out there cycling around selling his siomai that night at two o clock in the morning. Maybe he had not be able to sell out his siomai, maybe there were still many siomai left, maybe he still had not got enough money for his wife and kids. So he really had to be there outside at two o clock in the morning in the cold wind.
I heard the sound of his bicycle bell grew more and more faintly, meanwhile the first Koran verses was beginning to be chanted on the Mosque’s speaker.

-sie-

Puzzled

I think i woke up in the wrong side of my bed today because all of a sudden i feel crazily madly cheesily in love in such an overwhelming state it freaks the hell out of me out.
And the worst thing is, I dont even know why. I did not even dream last night.

Stories of the sweet and the bitter

Sweet Cake

She said that I am sickly sugary
Overly coated with sickening syrupy caramel glaze
Overly colored
Too much
Over sweet
Sickening
A kind of cake that she just can’t stand
The one you taste and then puke it away
The one that makes you giddy with revulsion
And loathe
The one that is so gushy you vomit all over yourself
So I smiled to her and said
Look, I could never be more satisfied than this,
Seeing you vomit all over yourself and looking ugly
While still being as sweet and sugary as I always cheered to be.
What a joy!

-sie-


The Black Milk

She put some bitter pills in my milk today
She hates me so much she wanted to kill me
All stupid sugary charlatans must go to hell, she said
And then stirred the milk
Stirred and stirred and stirred and stirred
Watching the white milk turned into pitch black
Posing that evil grins upon her face
You witch
If you wanted to kill me you really should be much smarter than that
A black milk like that?
Who wants to drink a black milk like that?
So all I did was giving her favorite sugary overdone smile of mine
While saying
Oh so nice of you making me a glass of milk
I lifted the glass with my hand so I could see her eyes gleaming with hatred
And a bit of excitement because she thought in a couple of minute,
I’d be a dead corpse with foam over my mouth
One, two, three, five minutes I did not do anything
But playing with the glass on the tip of my hand
She heard the sounds of my nails clinking against the class
Over and over
Oh what a melodious tunes
Clink clink clink clink
She started to shake, there was a sudden tremor in her knees
And her neck
And then I smiled to her once again so sweetly
Sincerely
Oh yes this time I was being sincere, really
She puked all over herself again
Horrible view
I put the glass back on the table and said
Don’t worry, stay there
Let me get a clean sheet for you
Stay there and look ugly you witch


-sie-


Dear Pathetic Bitter Girl

Dear pathetic bitter girl
You thought by looking me like that
I would be scared?
I don’t envy the black clouds that surround you wherever you go
I don’t envy the haunting eyes you have
I don’t envy the agonizing scream and curse and wail you have
I don’t envy you dear pathetic bitter girl
I enjoy myself seeing you puke
When you watch myself hopping merrily upon the flowery pebbled path
With a cutesy light pink dress and a rainbow over my head
You just puked again dear pathetic bitter girl
And I smiled innocently over you
Again
Dear pathetic bitter girl
Ah look, I just noticed what a beautiful day is today
The sun is shining and the birds are singing
Don’t you think so, dear?

-sie-


When I Cried

When I told you that I was made of cotton candy
I was being serious
You tried to rip my hair off my head because you did not believe me
It was not hurt me that much, really
But I cried anyway
I cried in those soft innocent weep
You nearly puked again
I did not move I did not punch you in the nose
I knew I did not have to
Because the next thing you knew
You had people all around you blamed you for making
Such a sweet innocent girl like me
Cried heartbreakingly
One big guy came over you and wanted to strike you with his
Big fist
But I said please don’t
Don’t be that evil to you because I knew you did not mean to be bad
He told you to go away
And I laughed silently in my weep

-sie-


A Sweet Little Advice

Oh you have such wretched sorrowful eyes
Dear pathetic bitter girl
You really should smile more often
To give your gloomy unhappy stare
A more radiant glow
Now, would you like some more cotton candy?

-sie-

The Pills

yes you're there, i guess... i saw you're there and unless you're just an entity happened to be existed only in someone else's head, in this case, me, or maybe it's too much if i say it's me, i mean... we dont even know each other anymore, right? erased, that's what i used to say, right, erased, but i'm not complaining about that, really i am not, so unless you're just some kind of the super mega persistent intruder of my hollow space between the conscious and the unconscious, i'm pretty sure that you're there, i saw you, yes i did see you.
it's so amazing how i can feel that you hate me, you really really really do hate me, or not, maybe hatred should not even be the exact word to describe what you feel about me, what? feel, what kind of word is that? you dont even think that i exist anymore, how can you feel the presence that had never existed at all.
i had never existed. right. you erased all my trace. you are there but we are stranger. we are. you dont even know my friends anymore, you know they used to know you. but it's so amazing how you could do that. i mean, i would definitely need some mighty pills or something that would help me erase all your trace. well maybe you have taken those pills, some kind who have some amnesiac effects. amazing pills. they should distribute those pills more widely. i mean, a great invention should not stay uncovered, yes, that's what i always said, remember? oh of course not. those pills. right, right...
so you're there. i wanted to touch you to see if you're really exist there, or is it just me creating some kind of visual image about you standing there. but i couldnt touch you. i was afraid that if i touch you my hand will suddenly burnt to ashes, and my body too. and then i would die. i am afraid to die. it's so obscure. i always afraid of obscurity. so i did not do anything. i just stare.
i could not lie to myself. and everybody hates you. but i just could not do that. everybody hates you for what you did to me. but i know, that in some cases, it was you who could touch my deepest fear.
fear.
i am afraid of you. even know. in a different kind of way. i always managed to find new ways of being afraid of you. could you please go and stop haunting me?
STOP.
and please dont stare back.

-sie-

Ah... the drama queen...

YAK AMPUN... ternyata memang benar gw segitu drama queen nya... I mean... menulis tiga halaman panjang lebar berkeluh kesah penuh gulana tentang pacar... ah tembak saja saya dikepala...
Aduh maapkan, ignore saja tulisan dibawah ini... sungguh-sungguh-sungguh amat impulsif, pasti gara2 pengaruh PMS.. (lagi???)
Ngomong2 soal PMS, ternyata tulisan2 gw di blog gw bersiklus dan memiliki hierarki ke-menye-an... hahahaha... I just realize that setiap PMS ternyata tulisan gw modelnya begini smuah.. ha ha ha ha... :p sungguh gak jelas...

Ya udah mendingan ngomongin yang lain aja...
Waktu gw ke Bandung kemarin, gw nemuin album poto lama dan gw sempat memindai beberapa, dan it's so funny knowing that once... you're a happy little girl, unworried about the world and running aroung in the field of flower and feel a blissful joy... :)

So I guess i was once a little girl... life wasn't so much of a drama back then...

-sie-