confused

now that i think of it. the fact that i'm still confused, even know. show how actively and healthily my brain works. well. maybe not healthily.
but isn't health is one of the world greatest issues, baby?

-sie-

bitchbitchbitchtheresonanceofthweordbitch

He called me bitch and then threw himself at the fire. I didn't like the antagonist part of the play but I knew that they are needed in every story. It's just that I was not used to play the role, so maybe I played it badly, not well enough to make a good criticism out of it. Perhaps thats why I didnt even like acting out, I preferred all those backstage fuss. You know, inventing plot, choosing costumes, decorating stages and all that jazz.

Bitch.
Hey, did you know that the word had gone ameliorated since the postmodern era came?

-sie-

pausing off

The dimming shades of light, right in the corner of the stage, our heroine sank down while absorbing the feeling of coldness spreading around in her chest. She's contemplating, concentrating to the sense of the flow of coldness slithering and creeping to every single vein in her body, and when the feeling of coldness reached her neck, creating a lonelier feeling even more than ever, she lifted up her right hand and placed it on her forehead, trying to seek any kind of warmness that she might still be able to sense. In a low muttering voice, she sighed "oh… the drama of my life, the pain, the agony…."
(Insert a scratching slap-in-the-head sound here…)

Alright, me had had my slap in the head, the drama queen had slapped back to the reality. Through with the drama queen phase, here goes my favorite phase, the bitter bitch; a time to chuckle a bit upon yourself while sharpening your machete. So this is where I am now, my bitter bitch phase. After spending four years an a half with a control-freak possessive psychotic, who had always managed to creep behind my back and had pledged to stab any kind of guy who’d dare tried to get near me, my next date was a blithely debonair Byronic villain who turned out to be an anti-establishment commitment phobic, whom, after our one year and a half relationship been going on quite steadily, got really freaked out and discarded me by saying "honey, I know that I’m so in love with you because it always feels like home every time I hug you, but sometimes I just don’t want to be home…" I seriously feel like a main character of a sappy chicklit now, and the worst part of it is that hell… I don’t even like chicklit. Ain’t just life a drama?
And here I am now, looking back all the paths of life I had been hopping all along, while bitterly laughing at myself. It's funny to realize that the habit of pausing off while we’re reading a book is always done in between the finished chapter, before we're starting to read on into the next chapter of the book. Ever wondered why, though? Why can't we just take a pause off in the middle of the chapter? Analyzing what had been read all along, taking little notes here and there, while thinking, guessing and predicting, based on notes and analyses we had made, of how the chapter that we’d been reading on would be in the end of the chapter. I guess it's because some of us, don't really like some spoiler of thoughts ruin the thrilling sensation of curiosity we feel while enjoying the reading. So the choose is might as well find the closure and make the more complete analysis about it afterward.
Well, the thing is, in reading books and stuff like that, you don't have to do the 'pausing off' part in a bitter bitch mood, while in the real life, it's sort of does, at least for me. Why? Because it sorts of affect my real feeling… duh… the feeling of coldness spread in the chest is not felt by the heroine in the book, it's my own coldness, my own fear, my sorrow and sadness.
But like chapters in book, the more chapters we read, the more knowledge we’d gather in understanding the story. About its main character and her role in the whole story, about her point of views, about the choices she had made, about other characters in the story and their relation and role to her, and finally about the flow of the story that leads to the climax.
So although most of the time done in my bitter bitch mood, my 'pausing off' part always at the very least give me more knowledge about me, myself, this little girl who sometimes can get so clueless in running her life. It always brings me new lessons, new understanding, new perspective in seeing my self and my life.

-sie-

sucked

i am elated in something that would definitely kill me. but who gives a fuck. people will eventually die anyway.

-sie-

the bubbles i choke

i think tomorrow, or pretty soon,
somebody's going to come and chop my head off.
i should stop choking so many bubbles.

-sie

So the cheesy title said

So the cheesy title said that you hold that shine on your braces

Trinket little bucket
Hopping around madly like zesty little pneuma
I must say I am amazed *insert smile here*
What? You don’t know pneuma?
But you learn philosophy dear baby dear
It is not love
But it is light enough to glow my gloom cookie

-sie-


So the cheesy title said that you hold that shine on your braces

Trinket little bucket
I must say that everyone is
Responsible for their own state of happiness
So do I doop doop doobie woop
So do I
Say, how about if I say that for now
I take you like a soft ray of sunshine in the morning
Or a warm feeling of a cup of coffee
Or a beautiful reddish dragonfly suddenly crossing before me
When I hold my gloom cookie

-sie-


So the cheesy title said that you hold that shine on your braces

Trinket little bucket
As cheesy as it may sound
I think you’re so snug
It’s like I want to draw a thousand of grinning smileys
Whenever the thought of you cross my mind
Woop hoop hoop hoop
Silly silly silly me

-sie-


Trinket little bucket

Trinket little bucket,
Can I quietly keep you in my pocket?
A busy little packet
Making my heart melt
Chocolate ice cream
Raspberry sugar cream
A never ending mellow stream

-sie-

hi... I'M BACK..
after a rather long yet hollow pre and post new year break.. i'm here again..
this site is still under construction, i'm currently working on it. i took the skin from blogskins.com, it's a pretty cool site, actually.
anyway... thoughts were helplessly bursting and erupting out of my head since quite sometimes... kinda miss the old melodramatic rants used to be poured down here.. but before that i have to work on with the lay out first.. so.. well..

see ya soon.
-sie-

and i am here

alright so i'm here again dear baby dear, it's like you know that i wont go for long. my entries these days, dear baby dear, are so boring with sentimental shites, it's like fully loaded with a total nothingness of my overflowing melodramatic emotion. how can i help it dear baby dear, i'm lost, and i've cursed myself for that.
look, maybe i should've talked about something else, the sky, the moon, the wrecked wrecked souls, the hatred that people declared everywhere around, the confusion, and all that. but look what i'm doing here dear baby dear, i'm standing here alone blabbering myself. even worse, it's myself in such an abstract and absurd sense. o how selfish. absurdity never worked dear baby dear, waiting for people to comprehend your soul. might as well wait forever. you understand forever, dear baby dear?
and i am lost and i am flying and i am winding and i am pretending and i am insencere and i am knowing and i am jaded and i am pretending and i am pretending and i am pretending and i am not knowing and i am insencere and i am black black black black bloody pitch black with no light at all and i am drown and i am sucked and i am lost lost lost.

blablablablablablab
and i am here. blabbering myself.
maybe one day i'll leave but i dont even know for how long then.

-sie

walkwalkwalkwalkandwalk

i'm leaving.

-sie

*image was taken from http://www.painetworks.com

floating

hidup itu, adalah kutub-kutub titik ekstrim yang mengerikan. you, my dear, and me too... are walking in the long bold line made by thousands and thousands dots of freaky and unpredictable fringe of emotion. haunting. enchanting. overwhelming. destroying.
the journey, my dear, is really never that secure, although most of us do feel that it is. covered and tangled in those overwhelming joy we feel when we coincidentally and unintentionally step on the dots of elated emotion. happiness. bliss. elation.
when we step on happiness we forget that somewhere there, are dots that waiting for us to step on them. the dots of sadness, despair, devastation, hurt, broken, damaged. they are there and waiting for us, for they too are the parts of the dots that composed the bold lines.
when i make you happy, the journey would bring you the time when i would make you sad.
when you feel blissful, you shall wait until the journey bring you despair, and devastation and dreary...

if only i could float, walking along in the air, completing my journey, without the tip of my toes touching all the dots.
but then again, could it make me feel you?

-sie-

fractured

the thing is... dear baby dear... i know that i am fractured.
and i am wounded.
and i am hurt.
but i feel too stupid
to cry.

in your shoulder, especially.

cry.
cry.
cry.
cry.
cry.

there you go, baby.
i'm done with my cry
now i could go back to see you
and smile.

-sie-

image was taken from http://fabi.blogs.sapo.pt/

the sugar-sweet bitch

because people always thought of me as 'sugar-sweet', they thought that i could tolerate everything. the thing is, of course i cant. i could be upset too. and when i am, i could be such a depressive bitch.
i havent talked to my bestfriend for almost five days now. i kinda miss her. but she's the one who started it. call me oversensitive, call me childish, but i'm just being the 'could-not-be-that-tolerant-about-every-single-fucking-thing-thrown-at-my-face' me.

-sie-

*image was taken from www.istockphoto.com

Girl Talk

“This mattress is getting harder and harder than ever, don’t you think?”
She nodded her head, stretched and yawned. “I’m tired.” She said. “I think we should get a new mattress.”
“That would cost a bit.”
“You’re right.” Then she dragged her book from the side of the mattress and started reading.
“I thought the exam week had over.”
“Me too, that’s why I really wish I could burn the campus, or at least chop my lecture’s head.”
She said that in a flat, monotonous tone. I laughed.
“How’s that guy? Did he call you?”
“Nope. I didn’t expect him to call me anyway.”
“Not at all?”
“Well… once, the next day after we did it. He called me to say he’s sorry.”
“Sorry? For what?”
“He thought I was having a problem that bothers my mind. He didn’t want me to think that he’s well… sort of using the chance.” She sneered, in a rather absurd solemn sneer.
“Was that the case?”
“Well it’s true that I was a bit upset that day… but…”
“But I’m sure that it was you…”
I looked at her eyes, she looked at me back.
“Yes… it was me who’s using him.”
We giggled, just like teenage girls who giggle in their private pajamas party, only it was in a slightly different case. She threw a cryptic smile then took a cigarette from her ciggie box and lit it.
“I was the one who seduced him, you know?”
“Oh I can tell.”
“Yes. And look how he felt guilty about it. He didn’t even know that I was the one who’s using him.”
“Is it working?”
“What?”
“I mean… you used him for some purposes, didn’t you?”
“Yes… I wanted to forget my problem a bit with that as**ole bastard.”
“Is it working? Did it make you forget your problem with that other guy?”
“No. But I felt a bit happier.”
“Happier compared to before you did it?”
“Sort of.”
“Oh alright ... as long as you’re happy.”
Then the cryptic smile was put upon her eyes once more. I looked at her and tried to throw some of my stupid jokes. She puffed her cigarette and begun to read her book again.

-sie-

Ding-Dong!

I gain weight
My cheeks are chubbier and my bum’s getting bigger
And bigger and bigger than ever
I think my eyes are bigger too
They are free and they see whatever they want to see
And since they can see whatever they want to see,
I can feel they are widening and widening more than ever
So they can capture everything by a single glance
I do think that they enjoy themselves too
These feet and these hands
They are merrier than ever
Feet are free running like crazy
And hands claps themselves every occasionally
No strain and no chain
Wherever they want to go
They know that they can
The teeth and the tongue, and the lips too
Crooning and chanting, prattling and laughing
And oh one more thing
The heart is growing too
It grows bigger and bigger
Warmer and warmer
Ding-dong!
Happy birthday to you,
I hope yours are growing too

-sie-

umm... the 22nd November guy, this is an early birthday poem for you...

Azura

Azura, beautiful blue sky
Cloudless and bright
Beaming and might
Upon a meadow covered by poppies
I lied flat on its lime green grass
Drawing a picture
With my crayons
Puffy and curvy
Of a thick big black
Really black cloud
And thousands and thousands black bold lines
Really bold lines below the cloud that I drew
They were supposed to be a drawing of raindrops
Of a heavy rain
A very very heavy rain
A very very heavy one

-sie-
For sitting on my brain twenty four seven really you should blame yourself

Orange, orange pond...

So the pond is orange
Suspiciously bright orange
There are also some strange dark blue waterlilies
Lying flat on its orangish water surface
You will never ever let yourself spread a red-plaided tablecloth
Upon its bizarrely pale lemony grass
Déjeuner sur l'herbe
Having a picnic lunch under the sun
Never while everything is too suspicious
Wrong and dubious
But the pond was always orange
The waterlilies were always dark blue
The grass was always pale lemony
They were happy that way
Maybe it was not meant
For your delusory
Red-plaided tablecloth

-sie-

Small Clover

Beautifully overshadowed
Under a big big oak tree
Where the gentle of breeze blows so mildly
Through its rich leaves
Beautifully overshadowed
Comfortable and serene
But sometimes it’s just too dark

-sie-

Smile baby smile

Smile baby smile
Supercandy, megalotoffee, my dear bubblymints
I will still call you with a thousand sweet names
No matter how apocalyptic you are
And when you are tired of the rage and frenzy
Or that pandemonium you always love to unleash
When you are mad of the world
And all its habitants seem all equally tiring
Remember that you can always come to see
My little ladybug that no one else could see
Jig and bop, skip and hop
Then we can sit and drink some coffee
Talk and talk and talk and talk
Or just sleep under the blanket and hug and hug and hug
Then I’ll smile while adoring the stars in the sky tonight
And you’ll say I’m ridiculous as usual
Because of course there is no star in our sky to sight
But who cares baby who cares, you know I don’t
Then we’ll kissed until tomorrow comes
To fly you away from me
And when that time comes,
I’ll whisper ‘see you again sweet’ to you
Though you’ll be too rushed to hear me again
Again baby again I know
But never mind I’ll just flutter my wings and
Smile baby smile

-sie-

The inconsequential petty me

Dear baby dear,
It’s not about the chocolate you have not given me
It’s not about the blueberry cheesecake
It’s not about the strawberries
You know I don’t care about those things
It’s really not about that
It’s just that
Don’t say ‘whatever’ every time you forget your promise
It makes me feel like the inconsequential petty sisie
And I don’t like that

-sie-

bitter pit on an apple

in-fucking-deed. pms shites and i'm hating everyone right now. well today i just had a tarot reading and it said that i kind of miss my merry-go-lucky self. maybe i do. maybe i dont. who gives a fucking shit anyway. he doesn't.
he doesn't.
i just opened some lovey doey sites and friendster accounts of my friends'. it's so depressive. i want to shoot my head.
ah. sisie... maybe it's just because you envy them.
do i?
i dont know.
maybe i do. maybe i dont. who gives a fucking shit anyway? he doesn't.
or maybe you're just too proud to admit that you do.
yea... yea... who gives a fuck?
-sie-

*picture is taken from http://jcv.toykeeper.net