Being Erased

This is a very late scribble, actually. It should have been posted a week ago, exactly on my birthday. But better late than never, I guess, this brain catastrophe needs to be poured out, so yes…

I think my life is a mega circle. Well, not exactly mega, but large enough to come to some intersections with anybody else’s life which is also, another mega circle. Those intersections could be occurred because of a lot of things, but substantially because of the interactions I made with other people. Every new interactions encountered, every reciprocal actions, every thoughts shared, every single day spent creates a set of intersections within my life and other people’s lives.
So many other circles I’ve intersected and every single scrap of intersection in my mega circle had created a new spectrum, new shade of color that colors my colorful mega circle.

Last week, in June 10th, I was turning twenty. No longer a teenager, I guess. Another one year added to the age of my mega circle, and so far, up to this moment in time, my mega circle had been adorned with so many beautiful shades of colors, lots and lots scraps of intersections. It’s pretty logical, I guess, every new day you pass means a great chance of opportunities to find another circle that would intersect and color your mega circle. So, as my mega circle becomes older and older, those opportunities become greater and greater also. As a result, I presumed that the older your mega circle are, the more complex and rich your circle with colorful intersections. I guess that’s how I thought.

I guess that’s how I thought. But last week, I realized that it does not always turn that way. I learned that those intersections, those beautiful shades of colors you might have in your mega circle do not always intensify in accordance with your intensifying age, but also could be disappeared, or… erased deliberately.

I used to have a prominent color, a huge scrap of intersection, in my mega circle. It had adorned my circle for at least four years, the color was so vibrant and the scrap was large. It happened that way because of the intense interactions I had with that particular circle owned by someone. So, his circle, intersected with mine, created a large scrap of intersections with a vibrant and prominent color in my mega circle, and of course also in his.

However, we all know that life is a realm of randomness, a chaotic random logical consequences of every single tiny bit of your action-reaction. The logical consequences of my ventures had brought me to the fact that the prominent interactions I used to have with that particular person became more and more faded away, until there’s nothing left, went sadly awry. Still, I dare feel that even though the interactions had gone retired, the intersections which was there in my mega circle would not turn to be as faded. This could be happened because, even though you no longer meet or interact with one whom you used to, each and every single interaction, reciprocal action, thought, and feeling you shared with that particular person would still be there, stored in your memory, occupied a portion in your heart, or in your brain, unless of course if you caught some retrogade amnesia or whatever. So the colorful scrap of intersections between your mega circle and that particular one’s mega circle will still be there, just like how I believed the scrap of intersections between mine and his mega circle still remained in its place.

It was not true, though. I forgot the fact that in order to be called an intersection, there should be at least two circles that are intersecting each other. In my heart, and in my brain, I know that his presence stands still. Every single memory and remembrance of him and the interactions, the reciprocal actions, thoughts and feelings we used to have and share are still stored in my mega circle. So, for me, the color, although maybe not as vibrant, is still there coloring my circle. But not for him, I guess. My scrap of intersection of my mega circle in his mega circle has been erased completely, one by one, I guess. Every single tiny bit, until nothing, not a single thing would remain.

In June 10th, I realized that I was erased from his mega circle. He did not call, he did not send me a single sms, and when finally I had managed to recollect all my courage to dial his number and gave him a call, I found out that he had changed his number. He eliminated every single trace of my interactions, every single remnant of the past I used to have with him, he erased his stored memory of all things related with me, my occupied portion in his brain and heart was burnt and the ashes were swept out. My scrap of intersection was erased.

But this writing is not supposed to be sappy and over sentimental. Yes of course I cast a gloom and I was sad but this is not about that. Because he had erased my scrap of intersection in his mega circle, there’s no longer an intersection of his circle and my circle. My mega circle had lost one of its colors. His circle had withdrawn so far away until there could no longer be any possible intersection with mine.

And yes, I learnt that every new day you pass, every age added, the opportunities you might have are not just about finding new colorful circles to intersect and adorn your circle, but also about losing one, or two, or three, or more…

And the moral lesson of this writing is, your mega circle, no matter what happens, should always be kept colorful. I have great friends with all their unique colorful tones, and someone whose color is so wonderful it occupies a large portion in my mega circle with warm feeling and comforting love.
My mega circle is adorned with so many beautiful shades of colors.
I think I should be super-grateful for that.


--sisie--