Smile baby smile
Supercandy, megalotoffee, my dear bubblymints
I will still call you with a thousand sweet names
No matter how apocalyptic you are
And when you are tired of the rage and frenzy
Or that pandemonium you always love to unleash
When you are mad of the world
And all its habitants seem all equally tiring
Remember that you can always come to see
My little ladybug that no one else could see
Jig and bop, skip and hop
Then we can sit and drink some coffee
Talk and talk and talk and talk
Or just sleep under the blanket and hug and hug and hug
Then I’ll smile while adoring the stars in the sky tonight
And you’ll say I’m ridiculous as usual
Because of course there is no star in our sky to sight
But who cares baby who cares, you know I don’t
Then we’ll kissed until tomorrow comes
To fly you away from me
And when that time comes,
I’ll whisper ‘see you again sweet’ to you
Though you’ll be too rushed to hear me again
Again baby again I know
But never mind I’ll just flutter my wings and
Smile baby smile
-sie-
Sunday, October 30, 2005
The inconsequential petty me
Dear baby dear,
It’s not about the chocolate you have not given me
It’s not about the blueberry cheesecake
It’s not about the strawberries
You know I don’t care about those things
It’s really not about that
It’s just that
Don’t say ‘whatever’ every time you forget your promise
It makes me feel like the inconsequential petty sisie
And I don’t like that
-sie-
It’s not about the chocolate you have not given me
It’s not about the blueberry cheesecake
It’s not about the strawberries
You know I don’t care about those things
It’s really not about that
It’s just that
Don’t say ‘whatever’ every time you forget your promise
It makes me feel like the inconsequential petty sisie
And I don’t like that
-sie-
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
bitter pit on an apple
in-fucking-deed. pms shites and i'm hating everyone right now. well today i just had a tarot reading and it said that i kind of miss my merry-go-lucky self. maybe i do. maybe i dont. who gives a fucking shit anyway. he doesn't.he doesn't.
i just opened some lovey doey sites and friendster accounts of my friends'. it's so depressive. i want to shoot my head.
ah. sisie... maybe it's just because you envy them.
do i?
i dont know.
maybe i do. maybe i dont. who gives a fucking shit anyway? he doesn't.
or maybe you're just too proud to admit that you do.
yea... yea... who gives a fuck?
-sie-
*picture is taken from http://jcv.toykeeper.net
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Ramadan
Happy Ramadan
May you find your God
in a literal mean
-sie-
I mean.. I asked people the reason behind the act of fasting they always do during ramadan... very sincerely... because I really wanted to know and i felt so uncomfortable doing something just for the fuck of it and not knowing the core reason behind it... I mean... i truly wanted to do it if i think it has a right and useful means. But nobody came up with a very satisfying and convincing answer, it's rather sad, actually. I remember even there's someone who called me 'kafir' -although uttered jokingky- and there's also another one who said that i only wanted to find excuses for not fasting. Hell, all i wanted was just a convincing answer, so i could do the so called 'ibadah' with my heart instead of because everybody else's doing it. Once i decided to gamble, just tried to do it and MAYBE, just maybe, i might find the core reason why this so called 'ibadah' was created. I mean... i truly believe that something that was created must have been created with purpose, and in order to achieve the purpose, we have to know and understand it by heart. So, I found no satisfying answer from anybody, i decided to seek the answer by myself, by trying to do the fasting. But Ruli said that doing something without knowing the reason you're doing it is just like wanting to know if A nuclear bomb might kill thousands of people by trying on it. I came to agree with him. It's unwise to do something without knowing the real purpose of it. So i'm still searching... And you people, who decided to go ahead fasting without knowing why, may you also find what you're looking for...
image was taken from http://jcv.toykeeper.net
A Faint Sound in the Dead of the Night
One thirty a. m. in the morning, I was still awake, couldn’t seem to find a way to close my eyes and catch some Zz. Roald Dahl page 258, I had been reading, or to be exact; gazing, the very same page for the last a half an hour. Definitely I would not be able to go to the next page, because no words seemed to make any sense for my head that night. I was tired, really tired. A splitting neuralgia, it’s killing me. My two roommates were sleeping, and the night was so hushed.
Pretty soon, I knew, in an hour or so, the mosque’s speaker near my cramped rented cubicle would utter the distinct sounds of the Koran verses, a call for the people to Sahur.
I remembered that I had a class on eight thirty in the morning and it made me nearly puke. I had only an hour left to force myself to go to sleep before the Sahur time came, after that people would wake up and rushed for their Sahur, boys would cheer and shout during their ways to the Mosque. It’s going to be really noisy, no question it would be hopeless for me to even try to sleep.
It’s a despondent situation, indeed. I could almost predict what would exactly was going to happen. I would definitely end up sleeping at five, and then could not be able to wake up for my morning class. I would wake up cursing because I missed the class once again and would start wondering how many quota for absences I had left before I finally guaranteed failed for the class. Typical. I started blaming myself for my disorganized schedule and ruined biological clock.
Sometimes I wonder if I would definitely end up feeling like a total loser. Because it’s starting now. Everything’s ruined, everything’s not in the right place. The chronicle of the wasted time. I felt pathetic and the dead of night worsen the frustration. I felt terribly alone and foolish.
Suddenly, a faint sound of a bicycle bell interrupted the silence. It’s started indistinctly and it grew more and more distinct as the bicycle got closer and closer to my rented cubicle. I recognized that sound. It was the sound of the siomai seller’s bicycle. I knew it because everyday he passes my place selling the siomai using that sound as a signal. And as the bicycle went closer, I could hear his faint voice constantly murmuring the word siomai. There’s something terribly gloomy about his voice.
I looked at the clock, it’s almost two now and he’s still out in the street, selling siomai? Who’s going to buy? Everybody else must be sleeping tightly at that time. I remembered that the rain was heavily falling two hours ago. It had stopped, but I could guarantee that the air must be really chilling out there. I felt really sorry for him. He’s all alone out there cycling around selling his siomai. In an hour people would have their Sahur, I doubted that they would prefer to have siomai instead of heavy food. So what were you doing there siomai seller? Why weren’t you home with your wife and kids? Why weren’t you sleep and waited for your wife to wake you up to eat your Sahur?
I remembered that life has been fucked up really hard recently. I mean, of course everybody knows that the government had raised the price for oil and it had made other prices insanely high too. I had to be extra careful using money sent by my mother or else I would not be able to support my own life for the rest of the month. For instance, since the cost for an ojek ride from stasiun UI to Sastra had become 3000 rupiahs, I prefer walking even if I had already late for my class. I mean, with 3000 rupiahs I could buy food for my lunch or at least a half an hour at the warnet. So as a result, I definitely use the ojek service less often these days. Same thing also happen with food, if usually I could get pretty lose spending my money for food, like buying chocolates or stopping every single food sellers that passes in front of my house, just for the sake of the chewing and nibbling fixation, lord mercy, I began to be a bit strict about my food. I took heavy meal and no longer bought food from the sellers that pass in front of my house, because I realized that it would be a form of wasting money.
I’m sure that a lot of people also do the kind of things that I do. A form of adjustment. a cost-cut for something that is not so necessary. We have to do that to cope with the insane prices and the stagnant income.
But what about the people whose life is highly depend on my cost-cut? The tukang ojek, for instance, or the food sellers. When I, and many other people too, decided to stop buying their goods, it would definitely mean a shrinking earnings for them. Meanwhile, they also have to deal with the high prices of living as anyone of us. Can you imagine that? How fucked up life can be?
Maybe that’s why the siomai seller still out there cycling around selling his siomai that night at two o clock in the morning. Maybe he had not be able to sell out his siomai, maybe there were still many siomai left, maybe he still had not got enough money for his wife and kids. So he really had to be there outside at two o clock in the morning in the cold wind.
I heard the sound of his bicycle bell grew more and more faintly, meanwhile the first Koran verses was beginning to be chanted on the Mosque’s speaker.
-sie-
Pretty soon, I knew, in an hour or so, the mosque’s speaker near my cramped rented cubicle would utter the distinct sounds of the Koran verses, a call for the people to Sahur.
I remembered that I had a class on eight thirty in the morning and it made me nearly puke. I had only an hour left to force myself to go to sleep before the Sahur time came, after that people would wake up and rushed for their Sahur, boys would cheer and shout during their ways to the Mosque. It’s going to be really noisy, no question it would be hopeless for me to even try to sleep.
It’s a despondent situation, indeed. I could almost predict what would exactly was going to happen. I would definitely end up sleeping at five, and then could not be able to wake up for my morning class. I would wake up cursing because I missed the class once again and would start wondering how many quota for absences I had left before I finally guaranteed failed for the class. Typical. I started blaming myself for my disorganized schedule and ruined biological clock.
Sometimes I wonder if I would definitely end up feeling like a total loser. Because it’s starting now. Everything’s ruined, everything’s not in the right place. The chronicle of the wasted time. I felt pathetic and the dead of night worsen the frustration. I felt terribly alone and foolish.
Suddenly, a faint sound of a bicycle bell interrupted the silence. It’s started indistinctly and it grew more and more distinct as the bicycle got closer and closer to my rented cubicle. I recognized that sound. It was the sound of the siomai seller’s bicycle. I knew it because everyday he passes my place selling the siomai using that sound as a signal. And as the bicycle went closer, I could hear his faint voice constantly murmuring the word siomai. There’s something terribly gloomy about his voice.
I looked at the clock, it’s almost two now and he’s still out in the street, selling siomai? Who’s going to buy? Everybody else must be sleeping tightly at that time. I remembered that the rain was heavily falling two hours ago. It had stopped, but I could guarantee that the air must be really chilling out there. I felt really sorry for him. He’s all alone out there cycling around selling his siomai. In an hour people would have their Sahur, I doubted that they would prefer to have siomai instead of heavy food. So what were you doing there siomai seller? Why weren’t you home with your wife and kids? Why weren’t you sleep and waited for your wife to wake you up to eat your Sahur?
I remembered that life has been fucked up really hard recently. I mean, of course everybody knows that the government had raised the price for oil and it had made other prices insanely high too. I had to be extra careful using money sent by my mother or else I would not be able to support my own life for the rest of the month. For instance, since the cost for an ojek ride from stasiun UI to Sastra had become 3000 rupiahs, I prefer walking even if I had already late for my class. I mean, with 3000 rupiahs I could buy food for my lunch or at least a half an hour at the warnet. So as a result, I definitely use the ojek service less often these days. Same thing also happen with food, if usually I could get pretty lose spending my money for food, like buying chocolates or stopping every single food sellers that passes in front of my house, just for the sake of the chewing and nibbling fixation, lord mercy, I began to be a bit strict about my food. I took heavy meal and no longer bought food from the sellers that pass in front of my house, because I realized that it would be a form of wasting money.
I’m sure that a lot of people also do the kind of things that I do. A form of adjustment. a cost-cut for something that is not so necessary. We have to do that to cope with the insane prices and the stagnant income.
But what about the people whose life is highly depend on my cost-cut? The tukang ojek, for instance, or the food sellers. When I, and many other people too, decided to stop buying their goods, it would definitely mean a shrinking earnings for them. Meanwhile, they also have to deal with the high prices of living as anyone of us. Can you imagine that? How fucked up life can be?
Maybe that’s why the siomai seller still out there cycling around selling his siomai that night at two o clock in the morning. Maybe he had not be able to sell out his siomai, maybe there were still many siomai left, maybe he still had not got enough money for his wife and kids. So he really had to be there outside at two o clock in the morning in the cold wind.
I heard the sound of his bicycle bell grew more and more faintly, meanwhile the first Koran verses was beginning to be chanted on the Mosque’s speaker.
-sie-
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