Puzzled

I think i woke up in the wrong side of my bed today because all of a sudden i feel crazily madly cheesily in love in such an overwhelming state it freaks the hell out of me out.
And the worst thing is, I dont even know why. I did not even dream last night.

Stories of the sweet and the bitter

Sweet Cake

She said that I am sickly sugary
Overly coated with sickening syrupy caramel glaze
Overly colored
Too much
Over sweet
Sickening
A kind of cake that she just can’t stand
The one you taste and then puke it away
The one that makes you giddy with revulsion
And loathe
The one that is so gushy you vomit all over yourself
So I smiled to her and said
Look, I could never be more satisfied than this,
Seeing you vomit all over yourself and looking ugly
While still being as sweet and sugary as I always cheered to be.
What a joy!

-sie-


The Black Milk

She put some bitter pills in my milk today
She hates me so much she wanted to kill me
All stupid sugary charlatans must go to hell, she said
And then stirred the milk
Stirred and stirred and stirred and stirred
Watching the white milk turned into pitch black
Posing that evil grins upon her face
You witch
If you wanted to kill me you really should be much smarter than that
A black milk like that?
Who wants to drink a black milk like that?
So all I did was giving her favorite sugary overdone smile of mine
While saying
Oh so nice of you making me a glass of milk
I lifted the glass with my hand so I could see her eyes gleaming with hatred
And a bit of excitement because she thought in a couple of minute,
I’d be a dead corpse with foam over my mouth
One, two, three, five minutes I did not do anything
But playing with the glass on the tip of my hand
She heard the sounds of my nails clinking against the class
Over and over
Oh what a melodious tunes
Clink clink clink clink
She started to shake, there was a sudden tremor in her knees
And her neck
And then I smiled to her once again so sweetly
Sincerely
Oh yes this time I was being sincere, really
She puked all over herself again
Horrible view
I put the glass back on the table and said
Don’t worry, stay there
Let me get a clean sheet for you
Stay there and look ugly you witch


-sie-


Dear Pathetic Bitter Girl

Dear pathetic bitter girl
You thought by looking me like that
I would be scared?
I don’t envy the black clouds that surround you wherever you go
I don’t envy the haunting eyes you have
I don’t envy the agonizing scream and curse and wail you have
I don’t envy you dear pathetic bitter girl
I enjoy myself seeing you puke
When you watch myself hopping merrily upon the flowery pebbled path
With a cutesy light pink dress and a rainbow over my head
You just puked again dear pathetic bitter girl
And I smiled innocently over you
Again
Dear pathetic bitter girl
Ah look, I just noticed what a beautiful day is today
The sun is shining and the birds are singing
Don’t you think so, dear?

-sie-


When I Cried

When I told you that I was made of cotton candy
I was being serious
You tried to rip my hair off my head because you did not believe me
It was not hurt me that much, really
But I cried anyway
I cried in those soft innocent weep
You nearly puked again
I did not move I did not punch you in the nose
I knew I did not have to
Because the next thing you knew
You had people all around you blamed you for making
Such a sweet innocent girl like me
Cried heartbreakingly
One big guy came over you and wanted to strike you with his
Big fist
But I said please don’t
Don’t be that evil to you because I knew you did not mean to be bad
He told you to go away
And I laughed silently in my weep

-sie-


A Sweet Little Advice

Oh you have such wretched sorrowful eyes
Dear pathetic bitter girl
You really should smile more often
To give your gloomy unhappy stare
A more radiant glow
Now, would you like some more cotton candy?

-sie-

The Pills

yes you're there, i guess... i saw you're there and unless you're just an entity happened to be existed only in someone else's head, in this case, me, or maybe it's too much if i say it's me, i mean... we dont even know each other anymore, right? erased, that's what i used to say, right, erased, but i'm not complaining about that, really i am not, so unless you're just some kind of the super mega persistent intruder of my hollow space between the conscious and the unconscious, i'm pretty sure that you're there, i saw you, yes i did see you.
it's so amazing how i can feel that you hate me, you really really really do hate me, or not, maybe hatred should not even be the exact word to describe what you feel about me, what? feel, what kind of word is that? you dont even think that i exist anymore, how can you feel the presence that had never existed at all.
i had never existed. right. you erased all my trace. you are there but we are stranger. we are. you dont even know my friends anymore, you know they used to know you. but it's so amazing how you could do that. i mean, i would definitely need some mighty pills or something that would help me erase all your trace. well maybe you have taken those pills, some kind who have some amnesiac effects. amazing pills. they should distribute those pills more widely. i mean, a great invention should not stay uncovered, yes, that's what i always said, remember? oh of course not. those pills. right, right...
so you're there. i wanted to touch you to see if you're really exist there, or is it just me creating some kind of visual image about you standing there. but i couldnt touch you. i was afraid that if i touch you my hand will suddenly burnt to ashes, and my body too. and then i would die. i am afraid to die. it's so obscure. i always afraid of obscurity. so i did not do anything. i just stare.
i could not lie to myself. and everybody hates you. but i just could not do that. everybody hates you for what you did to me. but i know, that in some cases, it was you who could touch my deepest fear.
fear.
i am afraid of you. even know. in a different kind of way. i always managed to find new ways of being afraid of you. could you please go and stop haunting me?
STOP.
and please dont stare back.

-sie-

Ah... the drama queen...

YAK AMPUN... ternyata memang benar gw segitu drama queen nya... I mean... menulis tiga halaman panjang lebar berkeluh kesah penuh gulana tentang pacar... ah tembak saja saya dikepala...
Aduh maapkan, ignore saja tulisan dibawah ini... sungguh-sungguh-sungguh amat impulsif, pasti gara2 pengaruh PMS.. (lagi???)
Ngomong2 soal PMS, ternyata tulisan2 gw di blog gw bersiklus dan memiliki hierarki ke-menye-an... hahahaha... I just realize that setiap PMS ternyata tulisan gw modelnya begini smuah.. ha ha ha ha... :p sungguh gak jelas...

Ya udah mendingan ngomongin yang lain aja...
Waktu gw ke Bandung kemarin, gw nemuin album poto lama dan gw sempat memindai beberapa, dan it's so funny knowing that once... you're a happy little girl, unworried about the world and running aroung in the field of flower and feel a blissful joy... :)

So I guess i was once a little girl... life wasn't so much of a drama back then...

-sie-

Murmur and purr

Dear baby, I realize that we’ve been kinda busy with our lives lately, you with your new projects and all the ‘magic’ evolve around you while me with my lunatic and deceiving schedules as well as my day-to-day sickness, that we have so little time to share our thoughts and stories and emotion. It’s alright, though, I understand. But I kinda miss the time when we talk and talk and talk for hours about every little thing in life that fascinates us, well… we used to do that a lot back then. I’m not saying that a goodnight call in the middle of the night before we go to sleep is pointless, really, it’s really sweet and pleasant for me to hear your voice before I close my eyes and sleep, and I really thank you for willing to spend your time to call me at night, knowing exactly that you’re often too exhausted by everything you did on that day. I love you baby, I love you so much. But you know me, I don’t know if it’s really something wrong with my head or it’s just me being too much of a drama queen, I always feel that there are soooo many things that I want to share with you. I mean, I think about a lot of things everyday, funny things, stupid things, weird things, confusing things, some of them are quite worthwhile, and the rest are really unimportant, but since I love you so much, I really want to share those things with you, it makes me happy, in a way, it makes me spark and merry in a good mood (which… usually resulted in my extreme cheesiness kind of mood). Well, of course I tried to share the thoughts about those things to everyone else around me, I wrote some writings to pour out my thoughts and all stuff like that, and logically speaking, if I had already pour out everything I think of in my head, I would not feel that I want to share those things with you, because there wont be anything left in my head that needs to be poured out. But it’s so weird for me because I can still feel that I want to share those things with you, even if I had already poured out everything. So then I started wondering why on earth I still feel that way, where I put myself in a position where I kind of have to bother you with those stuffs while maybe sometimes you’re just too busy for it, or you’re just so not in the mood, or it’s just not your priority. It’s sort of depressing for me, you know, because you know how I really don’t want to trouble or bother people. And baby, after some times spent staring at the ceiling while lying on my bed trying so hard to get to sleep, I realized that, warning; this might sound a bit cheesy, it’s because the feeling I felt from sharing my thoughts with you is different from the feeling I felt from pouring out everything I think of to anybody else or by doing anything else. When I share what I think of to other people, or by writing something, or anything, I feel relief or cheery or affectional, there’s totally nothing wrong with that, I guess, but when I share my thoughts with you, I feel really comfortable (umm… well sometimes, when you’re not too busy being angered and annoyed by my-often-too-weak-and-ineffecient-approach to other people) and most of all, I feel content and… happy (I cant find any better word to describe how I feel, I’m sorry) and I like feeling that way, really, it’s just like a nice tiny warm feeling, like when you’re so tired of walking in a stifling bloody hot noon then all of a sudden there’s someone who rides a nice air-conditioned car offers you a ride and while you’re inside the car, while listening to the smooth-soothing music and enjoying the air-con, he offers you a chocolate ice cream… yum yum. So I like feeling that way, baby, maybe that’s why I like sharing my thoughts with you. And I guess the reason why I feel that way about you, maybe because, umm… I think you’re the emotionally closest person for me now, that’s why I feel happy when I share my thoughts with you.
I feel even more relief now that I know there’s nothing wrong with me feeling that way (at first I always tried to deny those feelings, because I really don’t want to bother you with those stuffs, I mean… I always feel that if you’re busy then you’re busy… it’s a stupid and illogical thing to still feeling that way and I really should find other resort to solve my problem, or just simply tell them to go away) but now that I’ve thought about it, I know that it’s not that illogical to feel this way and I don’t have to feel that I’m bothering you.
So baby, while you’re busy and we don’t have time to talk, my thoughts were piling up because I haven’t got the time to share them with you. And because I think it’s alright for me to still thinking that I want to share them with you, and I don’t need to tell them to go away and not bother you with them while you’re busy, I decided to write them here in this entry, I guess it’ll solve the problem in a way, I would feel happy and you would not lose your sleep or your ‘magic’ :)
So these are my random thoughts:

• - I think girls have bigger chance to be lesbian than boys to be gay, do you think so?
• - I think Hume is an interesting person, for he said that man does not have to be enslaved by his logic.
• -It’s so amazing how here buying condoms at store is found as a real shame, I mean, you should look at all those eyes looking at you as one guilty mice. I am so tickled to think that how could people feel awkward doing something that is not well-adjust with their socially acceptable norms. Socially acceptable norms, hmm… funny… speaking of socially acceptable norms, if people just don’t seem to care or even agree with the despicable act those FPI people do to declare war, hatred and idiocy, maybe it is true, baby, that those acts are socially acceptable here.
• - One of my lecturers had given me an interesting view of why those monotheist religions could be called as cultural products. It’s so fun when I hear that because I thought when I asked that to her she would come up with a boring and too textual or too conventional answer because she’s an MKDU lecturer, on the other hand, she came up with a quite interesting view, and my logic could accept that.
• - Antie and Hany said that my new haircut looks just fine and it makes my cheeks look less chubby, but the truth is I don’t really like it. The hairdresser misunderstood my instruction and this is not the haircut that I wanted at first. I really DO have problem in explaining things to people.
• - Is it really true that Hinduism is one of the monotheist religions as people say? I don’t believe that but I think I have to back up my arguments with clear facts and data.
• - I still don’t know what I should write for my final writing projects, I was thinking of going to british council, freedom institute or other libraries to try to find some insights.
• - I still don’t have enough money to pay for Lurince’s vaccination, I do have some money, but I’m allocating them because there are so many text books that I have to buy this semester. So, if you don’t mind, if you have some spare money, could I use your money first? I promise I’ll pay for it as soon as I could save some money. Besides, Antie is going to pay for it too, so if it costs us around 175. 000, each of us would only have to pay for about 58. 000.
• - There’s something that really bother my mind lately. I’m so afraid to say that I miss you now, well… maybe afraid is not the word, it’s more like… hesitant, I guess. Not because I think that you might be bothered hearing me saying those words all the time, I know I could do and say what the hell I want. It’s just that every time I feel that way, and I want to say that I miss you, I always feel that somehow there might be a chance that you would be annoyed, I know you would not mind, but I remember our last conversation regarding this, and I just don’t want to make you feel unhappy. But I know I should not feel this way, so I’m still thinking how to solve this problem now.
• - I don’t understand how people could be so compassionless and hard-hearted, sometimes I wish I could do that, but I don’t know how.
• - Ovi has a blog now, it’s pretty interesting, you might want to check it out.
  

Now I know why some people think that I’m tiring… ha ha ha… anyway, I don’t want you to think that I somehow oblige you to listen to all my murmurs, no, not at all. I don’t mind you busy with your own life, I mean, I too have my own life and my own priorities, but this is how I am and don’t want to stop myself from being what I am no matter how menye it is. I know you and your ability to detach a bit from your emotion when doing something, while me who always so sensitive and melodramatic about everything and tend to mix emotion with everything that I do. But I completely know that we think differently, therefore I never ever expect you to think the way I think as well as I know that I don’t have to think like you think. You could still be as ruthless (ha-ha) as you want while I will still be as melodramatic as I always am. I love you so much, pig-pig.


PS: huhuhuhuhuuu…. This is by far the menyeist entry I have of all… hahahhaha…

-sie-