pausing off

The dimming shades of light, right in the corner of the stage, our heroine sank down while absorbing the feeling of coldness spreading around in her chest. She's contemplating, concentrating to the sense of the flow of coldness slithering and creeping to every single vein in her body, and when the feeling of coldness reached her neck, creating a lonelier feeling even more than ever, she lifted up her right hand and placed it on her forehead, trying to seek any kind of warmness that she might still be able to sense. In a low muttering voice, she sighed "oh… the drama of my life, the pain, the agony…."
(Insert a scratching slap-in-the-head sound here…)

Alright, me had had my slap in the head, the drama queen had slapped back to the reality. Through with the drama queen phase, here goes my favorite phase, the bitter bitch; a time to chuckle a bit upon yourself while sharpening your machete. So this is where I am now, my bitter bitch phase. After spending four years an a half with a control-freak possessive psychotic, who had always managed to creep behind my back and had pledged to stab any kind of guy who’d dare tried to get near me, my next date was a blithely debonair Byronic villain who turned out to be an anti-establishment commitment phobic, whom, after our one year and a half relationship been going on quite steadily, got really freaked out and discarded me by saying "honey, I know that I’m so in love with you because it always feels like home every time I hug you, but sometimes I just don’t want to be home…" I seriously feel like a main character of a sappy chicklit now, and the worst part of it is that hell… I don’t even like chicklit. Ain’t just life a drama?
And here I am now, looking back all the paths of life I had been hopping all along, while bitterly laughing at myself. It's funny to realize that the habit of pausing off while we’re reading a book is always done in between the finished chapter, before we're starting to read on into the next chapter of the book. Ever wondered why, though? Why can't we just take a pause off in the middle of the chapter? Analyzing what had been read all along, taking little notes here and there, while thinking, guessing and predicting, based on notes and analyses we had made, of how the chapter that we’d been reading on would be in the end of the chapter. I guess it's because some of us, don't really like some spoiler of thoughts ruin the thrilling sensation of curiosity we feel while enjoying the reading. So the choose is might as well find the closure and make the more complete analysis about it afterward.
Well, the thing is, in reading books and stuff like that, you don't have to do the 'pausing off' part in a bitter bitch mood, while in the real life, it's sort of does, at least for me. Why? Because it sorts of affect my real feeling… duh… the feeling of coldness spread in the chest is not felt by the heroine in the book, it's my own coldness, my own fear, my sorrow and sadness.
But like chapters in book, the more chapters we read, the more knowledge we’d gather in understanding the story. About its main character and her role in the whole story, about her point of views, about the choices she had made, about other characters in the story and their relation and role to her, and finally about the flow of the story that leads to the climax.
So although most of the time done in my bitter bitch mood, my 'pausing off' part always at the very least give me more knowledge about me, myself, this little girl who sometimes can get so clueless in running her life. It always brings me new lessons, new understanding, new perspective in seeing my self and my life.

-sie-