A Sex Talk

Funny hot noon, I was guzzling down my iced cappuccino at Kansas with my friends when suddenly one of them popped a very funny question to me.

‘Sisie, do you consider yourself liberal?’
“Huh? Me? I don’t know. I guess so. Why?’
‘What do you think about free sex?’
‘Huh? It’s okay, I guess. Why?’
‘Would you do that?’

I slurped the last drop of my iced cappuccino.
‘If done safely, I really don’t see anything wrong in doing that. Why? How about you? Would you do that?’
‘Umm… no…’
‘Why?’
‘For religious reason, I guess. It’s forbidden in my religion’
‘Oh okay. So based on your religion, you choose not to do sex at all.’
‘Not really, I mean. I never really do sex, like… the intercourse, because, for me it’s considered as the real sex.’
‘You mean, you do the kissing, necking, petting and all that, except for the intercourse?’
‘Because it’s not the real sex, and I want to keep my virginity until I got married. I don’t do the intercourse because it could rupture my hymen.'

Hmm… interesting, so apparently she chooses not to do ‘sex’ –of course in this case, in her definition of that term – because of two main reasons. First, because sex is forbidden in her religion, and she had chosen to obey whatever stated in her religion. Second, because she wants to keep her virginity until she got married.

I can say that I do respect people’s right to choose. If she prefers to avoid whatever forbidden in her religion, of course it’s her right to do so. However, if we look it closer – even though, of course, I’m not an expert of Islam – we can see that Koran has never quite made a distinct definition about sex. In other words, I have never read anything from the Koran that differs what is called as the ‘real sex’ and the ‘not-so-real-sex’. As a matter of fact, I never knew that Islam has the concept of virginity at all, that is, before marriage, women’s hymen got to remain untouchable. As far as I know, all physical contacts related with human’s lechery between man and woman that is not married is forbidden in Islam.

The definition of sex itself does not specifically mean sexual intercourse. Any sexual activity, relating with genital, could be considered as sex because that’s where the term comes from, the genitals. So, if she does any activity that is intended to arouse the genital, such as petting, masturbating, or giving oral sex, that could be categorized as doing sexual activities, that is, sex.

Now, let’s take a look of the concept of the virginity. We know that Islam never mention about any concept of hymen, so apparently the virginity of a woman does not determined by the remaining hymen in her vagina. And since Islam has never stated that sex is specifically meant as sexual intercourse, we could appoint a definition that in Islam, any sexual related activity could be considered as sex. And of course, logically speaking, she’s no longer a virgin if she had already done any kind of sexual related activity.

Furthermore, since Islam has never mentioned the concept as the hymen at all, we could see that this whole concept of hymen and virginity is a society-constructed concept, a society norm. Norm, as all we know, is a standard or pattern, especially of social behavior, that is typical or expected of a group. Now, because norm is a typical standard of expected behavior in groups of society, it is very logical that different groups of society may apply different sets of norm. The norm is constructed, made and applied based on the various concepts adapted by the particular groups of society, they could came from the traditional customs adapted by the society, or it might even be constructed by any particular purpose. Those characteristics, of course, make norm a versatile concept that is changeable and has the possibility of evolving, later in the future. For instance, it’s used to be a common expected behavior for Indonesian women to be married before her twenties or else she will be looked down and called as an old maiden. Now, because the society’s concept about marriage has changed, we can see that nowadays people no longer adapt that norm. One that is believed as a very clear rule now might as well be changed if the society no longer believes in the concept.

Therefore, basing the choice of not doing an act of sexual intercourse and to remain virgin before marriage on a religious belief and a society-constructed concept is very feeble and implausible. First, because in religion, any act of sexual related activity is forbidden, so even though no sexual intercourse activity had carried out, it is still categorized as forbidden in the religion. If you based your choice on religious reason, then you have to be consistent, don’t do any sexual related activity at all if you don’t want to violate what is written in your religion.
Second, because society norm is versatile and changeable, her choice might be irrelevant if the society happens to change the concept of the virginity itself. And if you only based your choice on what is believed by the society without really knowing the reasons why or put your own stance toward it, then you are only doing the act of conforming to the society standard.

Like I said, I really do respect in people’s right to choose. If you happen to choose not to do sex at all, it’s your right to do so. But at least do it because you know exactly why you do choose the choice, for instance, because you might feel uncomfortable to do it not with a sole partner, that is, your husband. Or probably, you avoid sex before marriage because it might cause bad effects for your body – which of course untrue except you’re doing it in a most damaging and excessive way – or for your psychological state. Or any other reasons constructed and acknowledged by your own consciousness.

If you don’t have any reason to object sex, then why choose not to do it? Don’t let yourself be a sex object, you ask for sex… and people object…
Haehuhauehuahuhuahuea…. Ini jayus bener…

Signing off in a weird cold night where I suppose to prepare myself for my ‘ras dan gender’ presentation for tomorrow.

-sisie-