There's this time in my life when i held his hand tight
and looked deeply to his eyes, his observant adorable eyes which i always relish
to gaze and wonder how does it feel to see the world through those eyes, and
there he was smiling at me and said that he loves me.
you do? i asked him. quite rhetoric i guess because i
knew exactly what he was going to say.
yes. i do. do you? he asked me back. And i knew that it
did not meant to be rhetoric for the fact that i kind of always hid at my warm
blanket and sort of baffle him with my endless doubts and the rickety stage i
put him in to.
what is love? i gave him a question as an answer for
his question. And i found his reaction towards my question was very amazing
because most people would be pretty annoyed to have this kind of answer for
their question - this i know because most people ask questions because they do
not keen to think further thus searching for a settlement for the anxiety which
trouble their minds, however, if someone answers their questions with another
questions, the settlement stage for their anxiety would not be achieved, because
they are forced to think more, and to think more means to be involved more in
those anxiety status of mind. therefore, they will most likely feel annoyed, for
the fact that they are sort of obliged to think more. - his reaction, however,
is far from annoyed, and i knew that was because he loves to think. So he gazed
at a distant and i knew that's because he was thinking.
it is... when you feel that someone has become a part
of you. he said. you are a part of me. he continued.
oh okay. i thought. maybe he is right. this feeling
called love is beyond caring, beyond liking, those are the elements of love, but
the love itself is far more beyond that.
so last night i kind of observed my own feeling towards
him. i starred at the ceiling and tried to recall all of the feeling i have when
he is around.
my feeling. i know my feeling is very complex, and at
certain points, it became really complicated that it caused a lot of trouble,
not only for me but also for other people. and that night i tried to understand
my own feeling, to rationalize whatever i'm feeling inside, to examine
logically what is going on deep within my head (and heart, i guess... ).
feel. feeling. what do i feel for him? what do i feel
inside when i'm with him?
i feel so many things going on within me when i'm with
him. so many things at the same time.
i feel happy yet afraid.
i feel excited and thrilled yet mellow.
i feel taking yet taken.
i feel this unusual sense of being smart and full of
inspiration, yet i feel my nothingness.
those feelings are contradicting each other and they
are all happen at the same time when i'm with him. i hardly couldnt explain why
such state is happening in my head, let alone define what is actually the
meaning of all these. however, as i spent more hours awake on my stupid stiffed
bed, i started to see those contradictive feelings, those feelings which oppose
one another as a form of a balance. just like the yin and yang, things are
opposing each other and they are completing one another. then i came to one
conclusion that at the state when you are completing each other, then it means
that you are a part of one another.
so i feel that he is a part of me
therefore i 'love' him.
i guess now i could answer his question not with
another question.
good night, thinker-bell.
161204 - 2.54
--sisie--
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