shoo... shoo...

about six or seven months ago, remember how i've warned you that i could be such a pain in the ass, how i am really not perfect, how over sensitive i am, how melodramatic, how moody, how weird, how boring and how you would finally see all those and then you'd be sorry and then i'd be sorry and then we'd be hurt because we've decided to fall, how we've decided to take all the risks, how we've decided not to care at all, remember?
and upon all the things that are so hard to be explained i found that it is my feeling that is so hard to be explained and i know that and i know that you cant understand how it could be like that and how i really miss you sometimes and how sometimes i wonder why it seems that there is a wall between us and how i dont understand why do i need to cry at all while i know that u wouldnt be there and u wouldnt understand and how it is too absurd to even be comprehended and how even myself could see that it is absurd and there is no reason for me to feel that way at all...
and do you know that sometimes when u're there right beside me how i want to scream like really loud like so loud really really loud that i do love u so much and i want to hold ur hands and i want u to hold me and i want u to look deeply into my eyes and i want u to know that deep down inside sometimes i wonder what's on ur mind and wanna know what u think about me or do i even exist there or do i make u bored or do u sometimes wish me to disappear...
oh sometimes it is me indeed who wish to disappear.
i'm just a little girl and i want to rest my head upon ur shoulder sometimes and i know that i shouldnt feel hesitant to do so because i know that u're there and u'll let me rest my head upon ur shoulder but really even myself dont understand why sometimes i'm so afraid to do so and if u ask me now why do i feel that way i'll say that i dont know because it's true that i dont know...
i dont have any reason and i know that u'd expect reasons but i dont have one and i know that i cant tell that to u because i cant explain it and it's all because i dont have any reason for this and u'd be pissed and i'd feel bad because i made u feel bad and u know i dont want that because i only want to make u happy and see u smile and it'd be frustrating and i'm so frustrated but i dont have any reasons and i'm not secure and i'm afraid and i dont know why and i'm so afraid.
u're just right there and u're just like the sunshine and u're shining so brightly and u stand so bravely and u're so strong and u just dont need anything or anyone to comfort u and i'm exactly right here sitting alone in the park while its raining and i look at the sky and i feel the rain drizzling upon me and i stay quiet but my toes are freezing and i think that maybe it'll be nice if i have someone who smiles at me and comforts me...
can i just... sleep beside u... without saying anything, just sleep, without explaining anything, just sleep and feel ur soft soft hands caressing my head until i close my eyes and really fall asleep?
can i?
i love u so much but i dont know how to explain all the feelings that i'm feeling inside now.

-sisie-