A spell of ranting...

Alright, so it’s all started here… I hate it, really hate it when I see people’s eyes judging me and telling me how much I’m becoming just like you. It felt like I’m nothing but your shadow, cannot think, cannot do anything without you, and based everything that I do upon your standards. It really sucks.
At first I didn’t think much about it, I thought it was just in my head. Well, surely everyone who knew me for just two or three years ago or even less would realized how I had changed… well… a bit… recently, and it all started when I decided to be with you. Alright… so I became more fearless and spontaneous I guess, I’m not afraid to try, to do or to state anything that I believe or I want. I’m more outspoken about my thoughts and I don’t feel reluctant to defy anything that I despise. Well, my life became less organize here and there, of course, but surely we cannot expect all to be perfect, right? But not just all that, so they see me as sort of… degrading in terms of their values, their own superficial values imposed upon their mindless doctrinated head expecting everybody to adapt and conform upon it. So they use the term ‘degrading’ because they see me, whom they had always been addressed using the boring adjective of nice, smoked cigarettes, got drunk and stoned celebrating my birthday, using pot every now and then, not blushed when asked whether I am still a virgin or not while easily said no, and spared some public displays of affections. And really, I don’t pretty much give shites about the term they use to address me, I mean… who cares about their superficial standards and values, which they themselves do not particularly aware and care to know why they had chosen to adapt and conform to those values. Compare to those mindless doctrinated bunnies, I am bloody proud to be called ‘degrading’ upon their standards and values, well at least I know that I do not walk hand in hand, and placed in the running counter with them. But, so here’s the bloody but, but ladies and gentlemen, what bothers me is because they address all those sort of changes of mine, sort of degrading whatsoever their terms might use happened to me, are all in a manner conforming with you! Are all because of you.
Well, I cannot say that it’s totally wrong, though. I mean… it’s true that you had always encouraged me to be not afraid to say the hell everything I want to say, the hell everything in my thought and in my mind, to resist everything that I found despising, to be not worried in being whatever I want to be, in standing for what I believe, as well as learning to stop listening to those people who had always tried to make be something they want me to be. You always smiled at me and made me feel that I don’t have to be anyone else when I can be my own self and always be accepted. Now, I can say that those things that had changed me, from the ‘sisie’ with the boring adjective of nice to the ‘sisie’ they would pleasantly dislike and whom they’ve always talked behind her back. I am not afraid to come out of my shell and say that religion, for instance, is nothing but stupidity unless you’re not afraid to drag yourself out of the doctrines and dogmas and not feeling hesitant to seek for the true meaning out of it, if there’s any, of course, and how I believe that the term ‘free’ sex needs to be redefined, and so on and so forth. And yes, it does really bother me, that those people, those annoying empty-headed bunnies see all the thoughts that came out of my head, all the things that I did, weren’t my actual self, were nothing except another doctrines you gave me in order to cut my shape so that I could fit in with yours. It’s sort of annoying, because to me, the process to come out of the shell took a really long and painstaking process of thinking and re-thinking, questioned and re-questioning whether it’s the right thing or not. I even let myself be confused on determining the so-called ‘right’ in whatever terms it might be cited. As well as collected all my courage piece by piece and let go my… err… let’s just call it primordial love… in having my freedom to be myself. And now that I found my freedom and myself, they just ignorantly say that it’s not even myself? What do they know about myself?? But really, even though it is annoying, it’s even more bothering because they acted as if they’re trying to save myself and tried so much to make me realize that I do nothing but fooling myself…
So at one particular of time one of my friends told me that there’s this guy, this guy that I used to regard as ‘friend’ as well, told her to tell me that I really should stop playing little sisie miss philosophical with all those so called defiant philosophical thoughts about everything, and that I should just be ‘sisie’. Furthermore he even said that I should find my life back, otherwise I would get lost if then I break up with you, since I wont have anything to hold on to. WTF???? What does he know about myself? Who is he has the right to tell me that I am not myself this way? What kind of ‘my life’ does he think I should find back? It was so annoying, really. I’ve managed to ask him about these things, actually, but I found it was really pointless because he only came up with those circling and feeble reasons while giving me those annoying pity look saying that I really have to save myself before I fell too far.
And not so long after that, while I still felt discontented about it, I realized that even your friends considered me as your resemblance or whatsoever, or the ‘sisie’ who does not have any ‘free will’. Once I remember that I was in a conversation with one of them while you weren’t there. Quiet surprisingly with his so-called capacity of thinking, when I stated my opinion, although coated with those chatty quips, he replied by saying ‘what do you know anyway, dear? I bet all the things you know were from him.’ What the… I thought. So apparently, it seemed that I don’t have any knowledge at all and I am incapable of stating my opinion if you’re not there.
And it went all the way, really. When I talked with one of my friends about the possibility of the truth there in the religions, she implicitly said that I dared to speak that way because you are an atheist and of course I would stand on your side. Hell, really even if you weren’t an atheist, my opinion towards that would remain the same. Even all the simple and trivial things, like my activity now in ISAFIS, where I often go to embassies and stuff, they linked all with you, you, you. They said ‘where you’ve been, sisie?’ and when I said that I just got back from the Russian Center of Culture, they said ‘Really? But why? Ah … of course… with him?’ aarrgghh… it really sucks.
And you know what even more annoying? I’m sick and tired of explaining myself to them. What do I owe to them to explain that I bloody well also read books thus justify all my knowledge, and all their boring adjectives addressed to me were something that I used to laugh at behind their back because bloody hell I wasn’t like what they think of me… and so on and so forth… So let just all those people think whatever they want to think about me, I just don’t care. If they want to think of me as a dumb blonde who’s trying too hard to fit with her smart-ass boyfriend, I don’t give a shit.
Hell… why do I even bother about all these… ahh… probably because of this stupid PMS… hormones, hormones… blame it on the hormones…


-sisie-