Puzzled

I think i woke up in the wrong side of my bed today because all of a sudden i feel crazily madly cheesily in love in such an overwhelming state it freaks the hell out of me out.
And the worst thing is, I dont even know why. I did not even dream last night.

Stories of the sweet and the bitter

Sweet Cake

She said that I am sickly sugary
Overly coated with sickening syrupy caramel glaze
Overly colored
Too much
Over sweet
Sickening
A kind of cake that she just can’t stand
The one you taste and then puke it away
The one that makes you giddy with revulsion
And loathe
The one that is so gushy you vomit all over yourself
So I smiled to her and said
Look, I could never be more satisfied than this,
Seeing you vomit all over yourself and looking ugly
While still being as sweet and sugary as I always cheered to be.
What a joy!

-sie-


The Black Milk

She put some bitter pills in my milk today
She hates me so much she wanted to kill me
All stupid sugary charlatans must go to hell, she said
And then stirred the milk
Stirred and stirred and stirred and stirred
Watching the white milk turned into pitch black
Posing that evil grins upon her face
You witch
If you wanted to kill me you really should be much smarter than that
A black milk like that?
Who wants to drink a black milk like that?
So all I did was giving her favorite sugary overdone smile of mine
While saying
Oh so nice of you making me a glass of milk
I lifted the glass with my hand so I could see her eyes gleaming with hatred
And a bit of excitement because she thought in a couple of minute,
I’d be a dead corpse with foam over my mouth
One, two, three, five minutes I did not do anything
But playing with the glass on the tip of my hand
She heard the sounds of my nails clinking against the class
Over and over
Oh what a melodious tunes
Clink clink clink clink
She started to shake, there was a sudden tremor in her knees
And her neck
And then I smiled to her once again so sweetly
Sincerely
Oh yes this time I was being sincere, really
She puked all over herself again
Horrible view
I put the glass back on the table and said
Don’t worry, stay there
Let me get a clean sheet for you
Stay there and look ugly you witch


-sie-


Dear Pathetic Bitter Girl

Dear pathetic bitter girl
You thought by looking me like that
I would be scared?
I don’t envy the black clouds that surround you wherever you go
I don’t envy the haunting eyes you have
I don’t envy the agonizing scream and curse and wail you have
I don’t envy you dear pathetic bitter girl
I enjoy myself seeing you puke
When you watch myself hopping merrily upon the flowery pebbled path
With a cutesy light pink dress and a rainbow over my head
You just puked again dear pathetic bitter girl
And I smiled innocently over you
Again
Dear pathetic bitter girl
Ah look, I just noticed what a beautiful day is today
The sun is shining and the birds are singing
Don’t you think so, dear?

-sie-


When I Cried

When I told you that I was made of cotton candy
I was being serious
You tried to rip my hair off my head because you did not believe me
It was not hurt me that much, really
But I cried anyway
I cried in those soft innocent weep
You nearly puked again
I did not move I did not punch you in the nose
I knew I did not have to
Because the next thing you knew
You had people all around you blamed you for making
Such a sweet innocent girl like me
Cried heartbreakingly
One big guy came over you and wanted to strike you with his
Big fist
But I said please don’t
Don’t be that evil to you because I knew you did not mean to be bad
He told you to go away
And I laughed silently in my weep

-sie-


A Sweet Little Advice

Oh you have such wretched sorrowful eyes
Dear pathetic bitter girl
You really should smile more often
To give your gloomy unhappy stare
A more radiant glow
Now, would you like some more cotton candy?

-sie-

The Pills

yes you're there, i guess... i saw you're there and unless you're just an entity happened to be existed only in someone else's head, in this case, me, or maybe it's too much if i say it's me, i mean... we dont even know each other anymore, right? erased, that's what i used to say, right, erased, but i'm not complaining about that, really i am not, so unless you're just some kind of the super mega persistent intruder of my hollow space between the conscious and the unconscious, i'm pretty sure that you're there, i saw you, yes i did see you.
it's so amazing how i can feel that you hate me, you really really really do hate me, or not, maybe hatred should not even be the exact word to describe what you feel about me, what? feel, what kind of word is that? you dont even think that i exist anymore, how can you feel the presence that had never existed at all.
i had never existed. right. you erased all my trace. you are there but we are stranger. we are. you dont even know my friends anymore, you know they used to know you. but it's so amazing how you could do that. i mean, i would definitely need some mighty pills or something that would help me erase all your trace. well maybe you have taken those pills, some kind who have some amnesiac effects. amazing pills. they should distribute those pills more widely. i mean, a great invention should not stay uncovered, yes, that's what i always said, remember? oh of course not. those pills. right, right...
so you're there. i wanted to touch you to see if you're really exist there, or is it just me creating some kind of visual image about you standing there. but i couldnt touch you. i was afraid that if i touch you my hand will suddenly burnt to ashes, and my body too. and then i would die. i am afraid to die. it's so obscure. i always afraid of obscurity. so i did not do anything. i just stare.
i could not lie to myself. and everybody hates you. but i just could not do that. everybody hates you for what you did to me. but i know, that in some cases, it was you who could touch my deepest fear.
fear.
i am afraid of you. even know. in a different kind of way. i always managed to find new ways of being afraid of you. could you please go and stop haunting me?
STOP.
and please dont stare back.

-sie-

Ah... the drama queen...

YAK AMPUN... ternyata memang benar gw segitu drama queen nya... I mean... menulis tiga halaman panjang lebar berkeluh kesah penuh gulana tentang pacar... ah tembak saja saya dikepala...
Aduh maapkan, ignore saja tulisan dibawah ini... sungguh-sungguh-sungguh amat impulsif, pasti gara2 pengaruh PMS.. (lagi???)
Ngomong2 soal PMS, ternyata tulisan2 gw di blog gw bersiklus dan memiliki hierarki ke-menye-an... hahahaha... I just realize that setiap PMS ternyata tulisan gw modelnya begini smuah.. ha ha ha ha... :p sungguh gak jelas...

Ya udah mendingan ngomongin yang lain aja...
Waktu gw ke Bandung kemarin, gw nemuin album poto lama dan gw sempat memindai beberapa, dan it's so funny knowing that once... you're a happy little girl, unworried about the world and running aroung in the field of flower and feel a blissful joy... :)

So I guess i was once a little girl... life wasn't so much of a drama back then...

-sie-

Murmur and purr

Dear baby, I realize that we’ve been kinda busy with our lives lately, you with your new projects and all the ‘magic’ evolve around you while me with my lunatic and deceiving schedules as well as my day-to-day sickness, that we have so little time to share our thoughts and stories and emotion. It’s alright, though, I understand. But I kinda miss the time when we talk and talk and talk for hours about every little thing in life that fascinates us, well… we used to do that a lot back then. I’m not saying that a goodnight call in the middle of the night before we go to sleep is pointless, really, it’s really sweet and pleasant for me to hear your voice before I close my eyes and sleep, and I really thank you for willing to spend your time to call me at night, knowing exactly that you’re often too exhausted by everything you did on that day. I love you baby, I love you so much. But you know me, I don’t know if it’s really something wrong with my head or it’s just me being too much of a drama queen, I always feel that there are soooo many things that I want to share with you. I mean, I think about a lot of things everyday, funny things, stupid things, weird things, confusing things, some of them are quite worthwhile, and the rest are really unimportant, but since I love you so much, I really want to share those things with you, it makes me happy, in a way, it makes me spark and merry in a good mood (which… usually resulted in my extreme cheesiness kind of mood). Well, of course I tried to share the thoughts about those things to everyone else around me, I wrote some writings to pour out my thoughts and all stuff like that, and logically speaking, if I had already pour out everything I think of in my head, I would not feel that I want to share those things with you, because there wont be anything left in my head that needs to be poured out. But it’s so weird for me because I can still feel that I want to share those things with you, even if I had already poured out everything. So then I started wondering why on earth I still feel that way, where I put myself in a position where I kind of have to bother you with those stuffs while maybe sometimes you’re just too busy for it, or you’re just so not in the mood, or it’s just not your priority. It’s sort of depressing for me, you know, because you know how I really don’t want to trouble or bother people. And baby, after some times spent staring at the ceiling while lying on my bed trying so hard to get to sleep, I realized that, warning; this might sound a bit cheesy, it’s because the feeling I felt from sharing my thoughts with you is different from the feeling I felt from pouring out everything I think of to anybody else or by doing anything else. When I share what I think of to other people, or by writing something, or anything, I feel relief or cheery or affectional, there’s totally nothing wrong with that, I guess, but when I share my thoughts with you, I feel really comfortable (umm… well sometimes, when you’re not too busy being angered and annoyed by my-often-too-weak-and-ineffecient-approach to other people) and most of all, I feel content and… happy (I cant find any better word to describe how I feel, I’m sorry) and I like feeling that way, really, it’s just like a nice tiny warm feeling, like when you’re so tired of walking in a stifling bloody hot noon then all of a sudden there’s someone who rides a nice air-conditioned car offers you a ride and while you’re inside the car, while listening to the smooth-soothing music and enjoying the air-con, he offers you a chocolate ice cream… yum yum. So I like feeling that way, baby, maybe that’s why I like sharing my thoughts with you. And I guess the reason why I feel that way about you, maybe because, umm… I think you’re the emotionally closest person for me now, that’s why I feel happy when I share my thoughts with you.
I feel even more relief now that I know there’s nothing wrong with me feeling that way (at first I always tried to deny those feelings, because I really don’t want to bother you with those stuffs, I mean… I always feel that if you’re busy then you’re busy… it’s a stupid and illogical thing to still feeling that way and I really should find other resort to solve my problem, or just simply tell them to go away) but now that I’ve thought about it, I know that it’s not that illogical to feel this way and I don’t have to feel that I’m bothering you.
So baby, while you’re busy and we don’t have time to talk, my thoughts were piling up because I haven’t got the time to share them with you. And because I think it’s alright for me to still thinking that I want to share them with you, and I don’t need to tell them to go away and not bother you with them while you’re busy, I decided to write them here in this entry, I guess it’ll solve the problem in a way, I would feel happy and you would not lose your sleep or your ‘magic’ :)
So these are my random thoughts:

• - I think girls have bigger chance to be lesbian than boys to be gay, do you think so?
• - I think Hume is an interesting person, for he said that man does not have to be enslaved by his logic.
• -It’s so amazing how here buying condoms at store is found as a real shame, I mean, you should look at all those eyes looking at you as one guilty mice. I am so tickled to think that how could people feel awkward doing something that is not well-adjust with their socially acceptable norms. Socially acceptable norms, hmm… funny… speaking of socially acceptable norms, if people just don’t seem to care or even agree with the despicable act those FPI people do to declare war, hatred and idiocy, maybe it is true, baby, that those acts are socially acceptable here.
• - One of my lecturers had given me an interesting view of why those monotheist religions could be called as cultural products. It’s so fun when I hear that because I thought when I asked that to her she would come up with a boring and too textual or too conventional answer because she’s an MKDU lecturer, on the other hand, she came up with a quite interesting view, and my logic could accept that.
• - Antie and Hany said that my new haircut looks just fine and it makes my cheeks look less chubby, but the truth is I don’t really like it. The hairdresser misunderstood my instruction and this is not the haircut that I wanted at first. I really DO have problem in explaining things to people.
• - Is it really true that Hinduism is one of the monotheist religions as people say? I don’t believe that but I think I have to back up my arguments with clear facts and data.
• - I still don’t know what I should write for my final writing projects, I was thinking of going to british council, freedom institute or other libraries to try to find some insights.
• - I still don’t have enough money to pay for Lurince’s vaccination, I do have some money, but I’m allocating them because there are so many text books that I have to buy this semester. So, if you don’t mind, if you have some spare money, could I use your money first? I promise I’ll pay for it as soon as I could save some money. Besides, Antie is going to pay for it too, so if it costs us around 175. 000, each of us would only have to pay for about 58. 000.
• - There’s something that really bother my mind lately. I’m so afraid to say that I miss you now, well… maybe afraid is not the word, it’s more like… hesitant, I guess. Not because I think that you might be bothered hearing me saying those words all the time, I know I could do and say what the hell I want. It’s just that every time I feel that way, and I want to say that I miss you, I always feel that somehow there might be a chance that you would be annoyed, I know you would not mind, but I remember our last conversation regarding this, and I just don’t want to make you feel unhappy. But I know I should not feel this way, so I’m still thinking how to solve this problem now.
• - I don’t understand how people could be so compassionless and hard-hearted, sometimes I wish I could do that, but I don’t know how.
• - Ovi has a blog now, it’s pretty interesting, you might want to check it out.
  

Now I know why some people think that I’m tiring… ha ha ha… anyway, I don’t want you to think that I somehow oblige you to listen to all my murmurs, no, not at all. I don’t mind you busy with your own life, I mean, I too have my own life and my own priorities, but this is how I am and don’t want to stop myself from being what I am no matter how menye it is. I know you and your ability to detach a bit from your emotion when doing something, while me who always so sensitive and melodramatic about everything and tend to mix emotion with everything that I do. But I completely know that we think differently, therefore I never ever expect you to think the way I think as well as I know that I don’t have to think like you think. You could still be as ruthless (ha-ha) as you want while I will still be as melodramatic as I always am. I love you so much, pig-pig.


PS: huhuhuhuhuuu…. This is by far the menyeist entry I have of all… hahahhaha…

-sie-

Mister Firefighter

Mister firefighter died yesterday when he was on his duty. His daughter cried.
And i feel so sorry because he looked like a realy nice and humble man. I bet the filthy crooked government never paid him well and forced him to work like a slave.
I feel so sad. I wonder who will be the one to take that little girl to school everyday now.
Rest in peace Mister firefighter, rest in peace...

feeling is an absurd content

i'm feeling myself and this is how i feel

image was taken from: www.vampirefreaks.com

Beep.. Beep... Melodrama Soap Alert

So my boyfriend said that it's okay for him if i turn out to be a lesbian one day but it'll mean that i have to break up with him, because i could not be a lesbian and a hetero at the same time, unless if i turn out to be a bisexual of course, but of course i will still have to choose between him and my girlfriend one day and could not be with both at the same time. And he said that i could sleep with Ashton Kutcher as long as i let him sleep with Angelina Jolie. And he said that he will still love me eventhough my cheesy naked pictures are all over every single cell phone in the universe and uploaded in the internet, because he believes that i took those cheesy naked pictures because i am secure with my own body, and there's totally absolutely nothing wrong with that. And he said that i should think of other people who could not see that as nothing but a dust on my shoes. And although he doesn't wanna watch Bewitched with me (he thinks it's just another stupid girl movie), and we had a fight five minutes before the movie Charlie and the Chocolate Factory started because of some another irrelevant reasons, he held my hand and did not let it go until the movie's over.
And i love him so much eventhough we fight a lot.

>hug< -sie-

Face it, baby... Don't be a phoney.

If you remember the beautifully enchanting Eternal Sunshine for the Spotless Mind, there’s this line spoken by Clementine Kruszcinski (do I spell her name correctly?) to Joel, “Too many guys think I’m a concept, or… I complete them, or… I’m gonna make them alive. But I’m just a fucked-up girl who’s looking for my own peace of mind. Don’t assign me yours.”
She asked Joel not to assign her his own peace of mind. Don’t assign anything regarding his own state of mind upon her.
The thing is, when two people agreed to be attached themselves in the state of being connected, that is, in the name of a relationship, which in this case is… a romantic-kind of relationship, they will always, always, assign their own peace of mind upon one another. That’s why they are agreed to be connected one another, that’s how they are deliberately decided to be joined. Because, deep down inside, they know, that particular person with whom they plan to be in relationship is assign-able for their own needs, whatever that might be.
A boy with an inferiority complex would prefer to let himself be in a relationship with a girl that would make him feel less inferior, which means that he assigns his need to be not in the state of inferiority, there’s this state of secureness in his mind that he wants to achieve, and he needs that girl to assure that he would reach that state of secureness. His own peace of mind where he no longer needs to be worried, his own peace of mind where that girl, helps him to complete the task. And the other way around, of course. That particular girl might needs him to assure herself that her presence in this world is needed badly by someone, that there’s someone out there who feels comfortable being in her hand, that her touches and love do matter for someone. A search for acknowledgement, I guess, to reassure yourself that you are significant, in a way. So the girl assigns her needs upon him, there’s also this state of mind that she needs to achieve, a reassurement that she has to be sure of, and therefore the boy also carries the task for her. He helps her to complete the task of her own piece of mind.
A need to be heard, a need to be accepted, a need to feel loved, a need to be free, a need to find an equal partner, a need of security, the list of needs could go forever, the peace of mind of one man is of course different from another. But there’s one thing in common, though. In order to have the relationship, those kind of assignment of needs have to be reciprocal, that is, a guy whose need is to have a complete freedom for instance, should meet someone whose need is compatible with his. If its not compatible, then there wont be any reciprocity in the assignment, then what would happen is there’ll be one side that would feel burdened and all. Just like a system of barter, in a way.
Maybe that’s why sometimes it feel so hard for one to get in a ‘real’ relationship, the romantic kind, because probably he (or she) has not find someone whose need, whose peace of mind, could be assigned upon him or her. In other word, he (or she) has not find, someone who is compatible with him.
A friend of mine once said that my relationship with my boyfriend is sort of erratic in a way, that is, we’re more like two people who are involved in some trade business or something. But the thing is, no matter how dull and colorless those analogy are used to explain love in a relationship, like it or not, it’s true.
It might sound anything but a fairy tale-ish love where the prince holds the hand of the princess and said that he loves her with those glaring beautiful eyes and then takes the princess to his castle deep down in the forest, and they live happily ever after with their genuine, unspoiled love. But think about it, even the prince must have his own reason why he had chosen to choose the girl to be his princess. Even the prince has his own peace of mind. As well as the princess of course.

Yeah… of course… what the hell am I blabbering here, anyway… never mind, it must be because of that book ‘The Catcher in the Rye’ of J. D. Salinger, you have to read that book, really, at least once, the more the better. It gave you insights and stuff in some oddly peculiar way, at least that’s what the guy who killed John Lennon felt before he decided to kill him, I guess, he read that book first.

-sie-

Talking about compulsive shopping...

I bet for those of you who don’t believe that any act of some spasmodically compulsive shopping could by all means create some euphoric stress relieving therapy are definitely never be in a situation where you found a vintage second-handed fifty-ish little black dress that only cost you 20.000 , rupiah of course, not dollars. Or a cute girly knee-length flower patterned dress with averagely the same prize.
Of course the fact that you obviously would not know to what hell of an occasion would you wear those dresses since you’re just a plain ordinary college girl with very less money in your pocket and obviously totally not a happening socialite in town, would not even be matter anymore. As well as the fact that you need more casual shirts or sweaters instead to wear everyday to campus since you’re running out of decent clothes in your closet.
And just ignore the most likely possibility that those dresses would find their fate as the loyal and eternal residences of your old closet instead, since of course you would most likely never ever going to wear them anyway because you would not find any right occasion to wear them or probably by the time you’d find one, you’d be too fat and those cute dresses just would not fit you anymore. Never mind, you know it’s just too unimportant to be thought about.

The thing is you own the dresses now. You’re happy, and you’re satisfied.

Now, think about the accessories. Is there anyone who happens to read my blog and care to compound this euphoric pointlessness know any vintage store in town where I can get this really classic gloves, like the pair that is used to wear by Audrey Hepburn in the picture above, with a reasonably cheap price? Or is it possible to have them custom made by any tailor?
This is really serious. I’m dying to have them as the accessories for my not-going-to-wear-it-anywhere cute dresses. Just call it another act of euphoric stress relieving therapy, god knows I need those therapy. So please, any recommendation would be highly appreciated.

Sincerely,
-sisie-

Pikebubbles *

I just realized a funny thing. For the past 48 days alone, I hade unconsciously used the phrase ‘ah… he really looks like my dad’ or ‘he reminds me of my dad’ for at least three times, addressed to at least three different men. First, it was Popo, when he kindly drove me home and refused to let me pay for his gas after I got ripped off by that dumb and irresponsible bandit - quoting the term used by the Russian government to refer the Chechen terrorists - on that bloody Friday afternoon. Second, it was the ‘dad’ from an oldskool Japanese quiz show in television who was struggling to pile up three hundred coins of 10 yen in less than seven minutes in order to win prizes for his family, he had five children, all of them are under 10, and an unadorned beautiful wife, the ‘dad’ was given five days to practice making the coins tower in his own house before had had to do it live in the studio. He practiced and practiced and practiced, and the coins tower was always fell, fell, and fell. In that five days of practice, out of… maybe more than 100 attempts of piling up the coins, he succeeded only three times, because his house was so small and he had so many children, small children who could not stop running and bouncing around while keep on screaming and yelling all the time. Every time the coins tower was beginning to stand high, the smallest child came and sat curiously next to the ‘dad’, unfortunately, he was always making too much moves which of course made the table in which the ‘dad’ pile up those coins shook and the tower fell once again. However, although knowing that he really should make it right if he really wanted to win the prizes for his family, not a single time the ‘dad’ was caught making even an annoyed face when his children disturbing his concentration over and over again, he always gave the same patient smile, never once got snap even though his coins tower always fell and fell. When the day of the show really came, they invited the whole family to watch him making the coins tower, but this time… no more practice, it’s the final, once he failed and the tower fell, there would not be any second chance, and those prizes for his family would be gone forever. And everything went so tense at that time, minute after minute, coins after coins, the camera rolled and the viewer could even see how his children closed their eyes and prayed for him, one of them even got too anxious and worried, he got burst in tears. But finally, in the minute six and fifty seconds, their dad succeeded in making the coins tower. He was a hero for them at that moment.
Then the third man reminded me of my dad was the character of Victor Navorsky in The Terminal, played by Tom Hanks. Navorsky was the stranded immigrant from Krakhozia, who was compelled by the power-syndrome-evil immigration officer to stay at the airport while waiting for permission from the USA government to grant his visa and passport and allow him to enter the USA in order to complete his mission. This however, would remain nearly impossible, because at the very same time of his landing, it precisely coincided the point of time where the war had struck in his country, which had caused his nation of origin to no longer exist, making him a man without a country, who did not have any valid identity that might be acknowledged by the states. So he was stuck at the airport and had no other choice but to make his life went on. But Navorsky did not complain, he was not even angered. He did not face his oppressor with fist and fury but he chose to try to make the best out of his bounded life instead. He found every simple joy of life that would somehow make him smile and make other people smile, and that’s how he swept the board.

I miss my dad, and maybe that’s why those three persons remind me of my dad so much. They definitely do not share any similarity in terms of physical, but they do share things in common; they are all the kind of person who doesn’t use rage and anger as their weapon.
It’s very rare to see my dad pull an angry face, he’s the kind of person who instead of chosing to use his energy to lower the car window to shout angrily and give a finger to those sickly annoying motorcycles or metrominis that always overtake his road, his energy is used to lower the car window to give a smile and a thumb up for all those people who kindly let him pass his way. He’s the kind of person who faces his client’s exasperating complaints with a patient smile while listening to all their needs. He ceases anger with smile and, most of the time, it does work.

I remember one day when we’re driving, there’s a car that pass his way so sudden it almost hit our car. My dad had to brake hard to avoid the car. He was a bit pissed, I know, but he did not crack up, he let the car passed through his way while taking a deep breath. I was the one who got a bit angry that time and could not stop protesting his weak respond. My dad only smiled and said, ‘Sisie, it’s not a weak respond, think of it as an act of kindness, as a good deed, probably the driver of that car really had to do that because his wife is about to give birth and therefore he needed to be in a very rush, or maybe his daughter is dying and he really needed to be there on the side of his daughter or… whatever. I mean… we never really know, don’t we? Had we chosen to unleash the rage, it would only make things worse for him. Besides, it did not do us too much of a harm if we chose to yield a bit, instead, it might help other people. And believe me, any act of kindness always come round again, it’ll always be returned. Every time I do my act of kindness I always remember my family and I always remember you, If I do kindness to other people, I know that other people will also be kind to my daughter.’

I was touched knowing that he really do care about me so much, but I had to admit that I never really believed on such thing. I mean, what kind of logical explanation could explain the possibility of my dad’s act of kindness, no matter how kind and touching it might be, would be straightly returned to his daughter? None, I believe.

However, at the very same day, I had to go back to Jakarta. Everyone who knew me really well of course how bad my spatial sense is, so at that time, after my third visit to Gambir, I still got lost. But fortunately, everyone there had been so nice and helpful I managed to find the right gate and took the right train to Depok. Of course I still thought that it had nothing to do with ‘the act of kindness’ philosophy my dad told me, not until I finally got to the train. The train was a bit crowded, so I had to stand. It was a bit difficult because my backpack was a bit heavy and I carried two small paper bags on both of my hands, so practically I could not be able to take a grip on anything to keep me steady. And it was a bit annoying too, because there, right in front of me, there was a young man who was pretending to sleep, so that he would not have any obligation to give his seat for me. I mean, not that I was expecting for him to give his seat or anything, but his faking was so obvious it really nauseated me. But suddenly there was a pat on my hand, I looked and there was an old woman with worn-out clothes and a shabby look, sat right next to that young man, she was smiling and said ‘Mbak, turun dimana? Kasihan… sepertinya bawaannya berat sekali… mari saya pegangin bawaannya, mbak. Saya masih jauh turunnya, di stasiun Bogor.’

I was touched. Well… maybe it was because I looked so pitiful at that time, or could be… because my dad’s right.

And I think I envy my mum, she’s a darn lucky woman.


-sie-

*A title of a song about dad sung by the Cardigans in the Emmerdale album.

Meaningless Mumble

This is sickening... i just had a chat with some guy who tagged me at YM who said that Punk is the root of all evil, came from antichrist movement who was eventually became the root of all moral degradation or whatsoever including free sex, the anarchy movement, even nudism!
-sigh- hopeless... and he implicitly said that i knew nothing about that so just shut up and listen...

kalo orang2 kaya gini semua, enlightment apaan juga yang bisa ngebantu ya.. :(

anyway, better go home now i guess, males juga ngebahas yang kaya gini, i have a final test tomorrow so i guess i'll better burn and torture myself with that shocking pink semantics book, plus... there are two topics that i'm in the process of writing now for my blog, i guess i have to finish those two so that i can post it here.

*masih pusing kepala*
-sie-

oh iya... a flash info... me and hany had a big upcoming project, tapi masih raw banget
check this out and tell me what u think (jadi ceritanya gw mo menjual seseorang...engg... sesuatu... atau apapun itu lah..)

Rino the Rhino
Adult entertainment all in one package
He can dance, he can sing.. and he's a one way ticket to pleasure island.

Gimana? kira2 kalo gw pake tag begitu dah cukup menjual belum ya?
atau ada ide lain?
hmm.. desperately needs money... -_-'

Je Cherche Un Homme

Je cherche un homme, un homme, un homme
Un Pierre, ou Paul, un Jacques, ou Tom
Mais n'importe comment il se nomme
S'il est un homme, homme, homme

Je n'exige pas un ???
Qui s' ??? dans les salons
Ni un type fort comme un Samson
Pourvu que j'ai un «mate » un ???

Il n'a pas besoin d'être un milliardaire
Qu'il soit beau, non ça m'est égale
Il n'a pas besoin d'être un grand lumièrestar du cinéma, ni prince royal

Je cherche un homme, un homme, un homme
Qu'il s'appelle Pierre, ou Paul, ou Tom
Pourvu qu'il donne son maximum

Je cherche un homme, un homme, un homme
Doesn't have to be prince or movie-star
A Texas oilman, or a French marquis
Doesn't have to be handsome as a picture
An ordinary guy is allright with me

Je cherche un hommme, un homme, un homme
Qu'il s'appelle Pierre, ou Paul, ou Tom
Pourvu qu'il donne son maximum

Je cherche un homme, un homme, un homme
Je cherche un homme, un homme, un homme

*Eartha Kitt*

tidak tidak... saya tidak mengerti bahasa Perancis... tapi lagu ini menyenangkan sekali :)
setelah kemarin menonton To Wong Foo, thanks for everything, yang sangat hillarious itu, saya jadi ingat lagu ini lagi... :) ahahaha... padahal waktu dulu jaman2nya kerja di ak'sa ra denger lagu ini bisa sampai empat-lima kali dalam satu shift... hahahaha... ah senangnya.. ada yang punya MP3 atau CD nya lagu ini nggak? mau dong...

Gelangputih buat mutihin kulit...

Sekarang bergaya 'bling-bling' tu lagi keren ya? Yah well... nggak tau dan terserah juga sih. Gw nggak gitu peduli... kalo gw ngerasa berhak make baju apa aja yang gw suka ya berarti orang lain juga lah. Saya sih senang2 saja lah, kadang2 menyenangkan juga jalan2 ke mal dan ngeliat bermacam2 AGJ yang berlomba2 dandan paling 'bling-bling' dengan celana hipster gede banget n anting2 kinclong nan gede... dengan kulit yang makin lama makin tan aja... mungkin disekolahnya mereka sengaja ngisengin guru supaya dapet alesan dijemur di lapangan upacara biar kulitnya jadi makin coklat ala artis2 hip hop n r 'n b luar negeri...
Tapi ada yang sedikit ngeganggu... salah satu temen gw kebetulan bergaya kaya gitu juga. No offense ya man, beneran gw ga keberatan kok sama fashion statement lo... cuma mau ngebenerin dikit aja. Inget gak waktu gw tanya kenapa lo pake gelang putih di tangan kanan lo? Trus lo ngeliat gw dengan tatapan aneh seolah pengen bilang 'ini sisie knapaaa lagi nanya pertanyaan ga penting kaya gitu... ya suka2 gw lah mau pake apaan...' trus sambil ketawa kecil lo jawab asal2an... 'Ga pa pa... putih... biar bisa mutihin kulit. Lagian emang kenapa sih?'
Trus gw cuma senyum kecil aja.
Sebenernya lo pake gelang putih bukan buat mutihin kulit kok, apalagi buat gaya2an... tapi karena ini .

Umm... tapi nggak juga kali ya... mungkin gelang putih yang lo pake emang bukan buat yang ada di link diatas.. tapi murni buat mutihin kulit... bener nggak?

-sisie-

A spell of ranting...

Alright, so it’s all started here… I hate it, really hate it when I see people’s eyes judging me and telling me how much I’m becoming just like you. It felt like I’m nothing but your shadow, cannot think, cannot do anything without you, and based everything that I do upon your standards. It really sucks.
At first I didn’t think much about it, I thought it was just in my head. Well, surely everyone who knew me for just two or three years ago or even less would realized how I had changed… well… a bit… recently, and it all started when I decided to be with you. Alright… so I became more fearless and spontaneous I guess, I’m not afraid to try, to do or to state anything that I believe or I want. I’m more outspoken about my thoughts and I don’t feel reluctant to defy anything that I despise. Well, my life became less organize here and there, of course, but surely we cannot expect all to be perfect, right? But not just all that, so they see me as sort of… degrading in terms of their values, their own superficial values imposed upon their mindless doctrinated head expecting everybody to adapt and conform upon it. So they use the term ‘degrading’ because they see me, whom they had always been addressed using the boring adjective of nice, smoked cigarettes, got drunk and stoned celebrating my birthday, using pot every now and then, not blushed when asked whether I am still a virgin or not while easily said no, and spared some public displays of affections. And really, I don’t pretty much give shites about the term they use to address me, I mean… who cares about their superficial standards and values, which they themselves do not particularly aware and care to know why they had chosen to adapt and conform to those values. Compare to those mindless doctrinated bunnies, I am bloody proud to be called ‘degrading’ upon their standards and values, well at least I know that I do not walk hand in hand, and placed in the running counter with them. But, so here’s the bloody but, but ladies and gentlemen, what bothers me is because they address all those sort of changes of mine, sort of degrading whatsoever their terms might use happened to me, are all in a manner conforming with you! Are all because of you.
Well, I cannot say that it’s totally wrong, though. I mean… it’s true that you had always encouraged me to be not afraid to say the hell everything I want to say, the hell everything in my thought and in my mind, to resist everything that I found despising, to be not worried in being whatever I want to be, in standing for what I believe, as well as learning to stop listening to those people who had always tried to make be something they want me to be. You always smiled at me and made me feel that I don’t have to be anyone else when I can be my own self and always be accepted. Now, I can say that those things that had changed me, from the ‘sisie’ with the boring adjective of nice to the ‘sisie’ they would pleasantly dislike and whom they’ve always talked behind her back. I am not afraid to come out of my shell and say that religion, for instance, is nothing but stupidity unless you’re not afraid to drag yourself out of the doctrines and dogmas and not feeling hesitant to seek for the true meaning out of it, if there’s any, of course, and how I believe that the term ‘free’ sex needs to be redefined, and so on and so forth. And yes, it does really bother me, that those people, those annoying empty-headed bunnies see all the thoughts that came out of my head, all the things that I did, weren’t my actual self, were nothing except another doctrines you gave me in order to cut my shape so that I could fit in with yours. It’s sort of annoying, because to me, the process to come out of the shell took a really long and painstaking process of thinking and re-thinking, questioned and re-questioning whether it’s the right thing or not. I even let myself be confused on determining the so-called ‘right’ in whatever terms it might be cited. As well as collected all my courage piece by piece and let go my… err… let’s just call it primordial love… in having my freedom to be myself. And now that I found my freedom and myself, they just ignorantly say that it’s not even myself? What do they know about myself?? But really, even though it is annoying, it’s even more bothering because they acted as if they’re trying to save myself and tried so much to make me realize that I do nothing but fooling myself…
So at one particular of time one of my friends told me that there’s this guy, this guy that I used to regard as ‘friend’ as well, told her to tell me that I really should stop playing little sisie miss philosophical with all those so called defiant philosophical thoughts about everything, and that I should just be ‘sisie’. Furthermore he even said that I should find my life back, otherwise I would get lost if then I break up with you, since I wont have anything to hold on to. WTF???? What does he know about myself? Who is he has the right to tell me that I am not myself this way? What kind of ‘my life’ does he think I should find back? It was so annoying, really. I’ve managed to ask him about these things, actually, but I found it was really pointless because he only came up with those circling and feeble reasons while giving me those annoying pity look saying that I really have to save myself before I fell too far.
And not so long after that, while I still felt discontented about it, I realized that even your friends considered me as your resemblance or whatsoever, or the ‘sisie’ who does not have any ‘free will’. Once I remember that I was in a conversation with one of them while you weren’t there. Quiet surprisingly with his so-called capacity of thinking, when I stated my opinion, although coated with those chatty quips, he replied by saying ‘what do you know anyway, dear? I bet all the things you know were from him.’ What the… I thought. So apparently, it seemed that I don’t have any knowledge at all and I am incapable of stating my opinion if you’re not there.
And it went all the way, really. When I talked with one of my friends about the possibility of the truth there in the religions, she implicitly said that I dared to speak that way because you are an atheist and of course I would stand on your side. Hell, really even if you weren’t an atheist, my opinion towards that would remain the same. Even all the simple and trivial things, like my activity now in ISAFIS, where I often go to embassies and stuff, they linked all with you, you, you. They said ‘where you’ve been, sisie?’ and when I said that I just got back from the Russian Center of Culture, they said ‘Really? But why? Ah … of course… with him?’ aarrgghh… it really sucks.
And you know what even more annoying? I’m sick and tired of explaining myself to them. What do I owe to them to explain that I bloody well also read books thus justify all my knowledge, and all their boring adjectives addressed to me were something that I used to laugh at behind their back because bloody hell I wasn’t like what they think of me… and so on and so forth… So let just all those people think whatever they want to think about me, I just don’t care. If they want to think of me as a dumb blonde who’s trying too hard to fit with her smart-ass boyfriend, I don’t give a shit.
Hell… why do I even bother about all these… ahh… probably because of this stupid PMS… hormones, hormones… blame it on the hormones…


-sisie-

Heavenly Blissed

Today i got a quite interesting text to be translated in my TTU (Teori Terjemahan Umum) class... it's about the quest for paradise.
So apparently people, with their own differences in conceptions, point of views and beliefs, come up with different conceptions of heaven as well... it was said that Buddha proferred enlightment, an existence without suffering as heaven. The vikings, on the other hand, always dreamed up Valhalla, a hall of dead heroes battling by day and feasting by night for eternity - hmm... this sounds like the kind of heaven Ruli would die for... I wonder why he hadnt born as a Viking... - Dante in his Divine Comedy described heaven as something that is logically ruled by reasons, the nine spheres of heaven. Meanwhile Jorge Luis Borges, the author of Labyrinths, presumed that heaven is a place like a huge library where you can satisfy your thirst for knowledge.
In general, i think the concept of heaven is actually a place, where you can find your eternal happiness. Now, the tricky thing regarding this issue of course, as a unique human being, we have different concept of happiness, or things that would make you happy, or place you think would make you eternally happy.

So, what is exactly your conception of heaven? your eternal happiness?

ah... the clear water reflects my shadow

i dont understand, every thing every single thing seems to contradict each other
dan kalo biasanya gw suka kesulitan menjelaskan perasaan gw sendiri, kali ini nggak. gw tau gw nggak kesal, gw tau gw nggak sedih, gw tau gw bukannya kecewa, gw tau gw nggak takut...
gw marah
because u refused too explain those things to me
because u thought our arguments were pointless
dan perasaan gw sekarang nggak campur2 aneh seperti biasanya
gw marah dan itu jelas sekali rasanya.

funny, eh?
biasanya gw paling nggak bisa ngedefinisiin apa yang gw rasain.

-sisie-

umm... no komen ah... :p

mwahahahahah...
so because my latest entry is about the religion... i kinda curious about my own stance, so i decided to take this funny quiz... and it turns out that i am...

"WHAT RELIGION BESTS SUITS YOU?"


Agnostic
You've probably studied loads of different religions, but you're just not sure if any of it is true. Evolution makes some sense to you, but it doesn't satisfy you. Lastly, your personality is one of question, but you won't go out of your way to find -The Truth- It's more of a hobby.

taken from: http://www.zenhex.com/quiz.php?id=1257

Licking the God's Boots

What is a religion? This is a very ticklish question. I know that I should think of better things to do, or find a job since I’m particularly on the breadline now (ha-ha), or manage my disorganized schedules, or finish my readings, or whatever aside than thinking about the answer of the question that has been a debate among people for so long, but I’ve decided to muse on it a bit.

Well, I think about so many possible answers for that question, an answer that would make sense in order to complete the puzzle why the word ‘religion’ is indeed one of the most bloody words ever in the history of mankind, so many possible answers came up to my head, so many cause-effect relation possibilities, round and round and round and round, so many that I begun to feel nausea, then I decided that it’s time to stop before bad things started to happen…(well… I have this stupid habit of getting really really nauseatingly cheesy when I’m feeling a bit stressful or frustrated, and when that happened I usually wrote some cheesy poems, or pick-up lines, or ‘pantun’ for Ruli, and really… you don’t wanna know… it’s awfully cheesy you want to kill yourselves when you hear it… so no no… I don’t want that to happen, enough torture for that poor guy, so I decided to pause a bit from my thinking)

But as I let myself to continue to think about it, I found that the fittest piece that would possibly complete the whole puzzle is actually the simplest one, I think religion is a system of belief, or sets of principles, which involves god as the creator and the judge, with groups of society as his worshipper. And there’s exactly where all the problems started.

So here, in religion, god is viewed not only as the creator of the universe, but also as the judge of all the deeds that have done by his worshipper. As the judge, he gives and determines rewards and punishments for the people. Rewards come in the form of heaven, and punishments come in the form of hell. Well… at least that is the concept in Islam, Christian and Jews. In Hinduism I think the concept of reward comes in the form of moshka, the liberation from the chain of birth, death and rebirth while the concept of punishment comes when the soul bond to the karma is born over the condition that is not so pleasant because of the unfaithfulness to the god, or the bad deeds that that person has done in his or her previous life (or maybe I’m wrong… please do correct if I’m wrong…) well, this whole concept of samsara, the cycle of birth, death and rebirth in Hinduism, is controlled by god, therefore here god is also viewed as the judge.
Buddhism is a bit different though, I’ve checked some resources and I found out that in Buddhism there is no actual god. The Buddhists believe that human mistakes and human doom are linked in a relentless chain of cause and effect. So all the bad deeds that you’ve done may cause you a bad fate in your future, pretty logical I guess. Therefore, in order not to have bad fate, you have to do good things in your life (again… of course my understanding and knowledge is sooo… very limited so please do correct me if I’m mistaken about this)
I don’t know much about other religions, like for instance Confucianism, Shinto, Zoroastrianism, or Sikhism, or maybe Neopaganism, or others… (you guys might wanna help me about the infos though…). But from what I see, the religions, which have the most followers, usually believe in god as the creator and the judge, and I think this is where all the problems begun.

That concept, where god is viewed as the creator as well as the judge, makes god as the absolute factor who has the absolute rights to decide whether one particular person would be granted reward or punishment. The reward, of course would be given to one who has been really faithful in following all the principles of the religion, one who has been really obedient and devoted to god. Therefore, in order to attain the reward, those religious worshippers would try to be as faithful and as devoted in worshipping the god and obeying all the principles. This could be a good thing, I guess, because basically and of course, ideally, all religions teach good values and virtuousness. However, it is evident that the more strongly adherents of a particular religion believe in its precepts or principles, the more fiercely do they react to those with different beliefs. –sigh–

So last week, I went to Gramedia. Chicklits and teenlits along with those blissfully happy AGJs were all over the bookstore so I kinda looked around to find a place that wasn’t too crowded. The religion and philosophy section looked quiet enough, so I decided to browse around there. Randomly I went to the Islam section first, and I found that some of the books displayed there were books with title like “Homoseksualitas? Ih… Takut!”, or “Bahaya Darwinisme”, or something like that… I kinda forget the rest of the titles of the book there… I thought… alright, why does these books need to be full of hatred and enmities… I mean… it’s like they see other people’s beliefs with their own personal standards, and impose their standards upon it. When those other believers do not walk hand in hand with the standard that they have, they reject those other beliefs and see them as thread. And why does it so, because these people, these religious people, are so faithfully and strongly believe in their own percepts, their own principles of religion, that they see other beliefs as something that are wrong and inappropriate. And why do they become so faithfully devoted to those principles? Because they see god as the absolute judge who has the absolute right to determine whether they will be given the rewards or the punishments, and as a result of this viewpoint, they want to try to be as faithful as they can so they could have the biggest possibility in attaining the reward that their gods have promised them.
At exactly the same day, when I was still at Gramedia, Ruli called me and told me that some terrorists had bombed London, over 50 innocents people died because of the explosion. When I went home, the news said that not so long after the explosion, there was a report that Al Qaeda officially stated that the bomb was intentionally fired off by them.
And like two days ago, there’s this news that those stupid worthless FPI had destroyed the Ahmadiyah’s site because they think that the Ahmadiyah is ‘sesat’ and dangerous. What despised me more was that because I saw them, with their glorious sorban and gamis and whatever attributes they wear in the name of Islam, looked really proud when they threw stones, destroyed the gates and hurt those Ahmadiyah people…

I think it’s sickening. Well… if god is really the judge, then probably those stupid so-called faithful and religious people are nothing but those little toadies who are trying so hard to lick the god’s boots. That’s if god ever has boots at all. If he does not have one, what’s the point of licking something that does not exist?

-sisie-

shoo... shoo...

about six or seven months ago, remember how i've warned you that i could be such a pain in the ass, how i am really not perfect, how over sensitive i am, how melodramatic, how moody, how weird, how boring and how you would finally see all those and then you'd be sorry and then i'd be sorry and then we'd be hurt because we've decided to fall, how we've decided to take all the risks, how we've decided not to care at all, remember?
and upon all the things that are so hard to be explained i found that it is my feeling that is so hard to be explained and i know that and i know that you cant understand how it could be like that and how i really miss you sometimes and how sometimes i wonder why it seems that there is a wall between us and how i dont understand why do i need to cry at all while i know that u wouldnt be there and u wouldnt understand and how it is too absurd to even be comprehended and how even myself could see that it is absurd and there is no reason for me to feel that way at all...
and do you know that sometimes when u're there right beside me how i want to scream like really loud like so loud really really loud that i do love u so much and i want to hold ur hands and i want u to hold me and i want u to look deeply into my eyes and i want u to know that deep down inside sometimes i wonder what's on ur mind and wanna know what u think about me or do i even exist there or do i make u bored or do u sometimes wish me to disappear...
oh sometimes it is me indeed who wish to disappear.
i'm just a little girl and i want to rest my head upon ur shoulder sometimes and i know that i shouldnt feel hesitant to do so because i know that u're there and u'll let me rest my head upon ur shoulder but really even myself dont understand why sometimes i'm so afraid to do so and if u ask me now why do i feel that way i'll say that i dont know because it's true that i dont know...
i dont have any reason and i know that u'd expect reasons but i dont have one and i know that i cant tell that to u because i cant explain it and it's all because i dont have any reason for this and u'd be pissed and i'd feel bad because i made u feel bad and u know i dont want that because i only want to make u happy and see u smile and it'd be frustrating and i'm so frustrated but i dont have any reasons and i'm not secure and i'm afraid and i dont know why and i'm so afraid.
u're just right there and u're just like the sunshine and u're shining so brightly and u stand so bravely and u're so strong and u just dont need anything or anyone to comfort u and i'm exactly right here sitting alone in the park while its raining and i look at the sky and i feel the rain drizzling upon me and i stay quiet but my toes are freezing and i think that maybe it'll be nice if i have someone who smiles at me and comforts me...
can i just... sleep beside u... without saying anything, just sleep, without explaining anything, just sleep and feel ur soft soft hands caressing my head until i close my eyes and really fall asleep?
can i?
i love u so much but i dont know how to explain all the feelings that i'm feeling inside now.

-sisie-